Do you know someone who cannot take well-meaning feedback? Perhaps a family member or a colleague cannot tolerate feedback and defensively rebuts your well-meaning feedback. Have you ever defensively responded to feedback? If you wish to understand better what leads to this self-defeating interpersonal response, then read on. Better still, read on because you want to stop responding defensively to feedback.
From an REBT perspective, the core of this problem lies with the “normal” human tendency to rate oneself and depreciate oneself. I describe this unhealthy human tendency to rate oneself as normal because it is not uncommon statistically for people to do this when criticized. The theory of REBT holds that we are predisposed to sloppy thinking, and our defensive responses are the result of such sloppy thinking. Although we all might be inclined to think defensively when faced with feedback, it does not mean such defensive responding is useful in our relationships. We all are prone to illness, but it would be good to be abnormal in the sense of not being prone to illness. Likewise, although most people rate themselves and then depreciate themselves with sloppy thinking, it is good to be one of those who learns not to rate themselves and devalue themselves.
Defensive responding generally involves self-rating, although low discomfort tolerance may factor into our defensive response. Once the shame of critical feedback is experienced, the individual may try to protect the self from further depreciation and embarrassment. When we react defensively to feedback, we are likely confusing a judgment about a part of us with the whole of us. We may make other extreme evaluations about the negative feedback or the discomfort we feel about it.
For example, someone might inform you that you could have done something better. A person who is prone to rating themselves comes to this situation with unspoken attitudes towards their performance and its criticism. Below you will find examples of such attitudes:
1. I must do things very well or entirely well. It is awful if I do not do things well, and others witness this and point it out to me.
When others point out that I have not done something well, that diminishes me as a person.
2. I need to have the approval of others. When others criticize my performance, I cannot bear it.
Their criticism reflects that I am lesser as a person.
Common to both examples is the rigid demand on the self which gives rise to a rating and depreciation of the self. In the first example, the demand on the self is for an excellent performance. In the second example, the demand on the self is for maintaining approval from others.
Note that derivative attitudes come from the demand on the self. The theory of REBT says that at the core of disturbance lies a rigid attitude which then leads to derivative attitudes. These derivatives in coordination with the rigid demand on the self produce defensive responses.
In the first example, the rigid demand to perform perfectly well also gives rise to an extreme rating of not doing and well and being observed by others falling short of the mark. Here the individual “awfulizes” about the imperfect performance they have publicly exhibited. They rate that they have missed the mark in an extreme way which contributes to defensive responses.
In the second example, the rigid demand for approval also gives rise to low tolerance for the discomfort regarding the criticism. The individual evaluates the accompanying awkward, uncomfortable moment as unbearable.
To help yourself avoid defensive responding, you need to unconditionally accept yourself if you sometimes react in this interpersonally off-putting way. We cannot improve in a problematic area unless we can acknowledge it. Acknowledge that you are a fallible human and acknowledge that you may quickly respond defensively under some circumstances. Next, take a step back and look for your must. Look for your should. Words like must, should, and often used to express a rigid attitude. Question that rigid attitude that you must perform ideally well and that you need the approval of others. It is also essential to address the conditional self-acceptance you have which rests on good performance or approval from others.
See that your performance, no matter how bad and how much disapproval it may lead to, cannot change your essence as a person. What you have done or habitually do is just a part of you, but it does not stand for what you are. You are you with the behavior. The behavior does not define you unless you wrongly think it does. Once you see that it is invalid to define yourself as anything other than a fallible human, you will have an easier time undermining the derivatives of “awfulizing” and insufficient discomfort tolerance. Public displays of poor performance, criticism, and loss of approval all are undesirable and therefore appropriately thought of as bad. However, evaluating poor performance, criticism, and loss of approval as awful is invalid. It is invalid because there could be worse performance than the one you displayed, more criticism than the criticism you received, and more disapproval than the disapproval shown.
Furthermore, your evaluation of awful is invalid because you can learn from the feedback you get with disapproval, which will give you a better chance of doing well in the future. Most importantly, evaluating your poor performance, criticism, and loss of approval as awful will produce unhealthy negative emotions and behaviors which will compound your problems. Defensive responding is more likely to lead to more criticism and disapproval than a more open response that goes along the lines of thanking the person for their feedback, whether it is correct or not.
Let’s look at healthy alternative rational thinking which will enable you to have an open mind when you are responding to feedback from others:
1. I want to do things very well or perfectly well, but I do not (absolutely) have to do so. It is bad, but not awful if I do not do things well and others witness this and point it out to me. I can learn from the feedback.
When others point out that I have not done something very well, that proves I am a fallible human, but it does not diminish me as a person. I may have performed poorly, but I can accept myself with my poor performance. My self-acceptance will help me learn from the feedback.
2. I want to have others’ approval but do not (absolutely) need it. When facing criticism from others, I feel uncomfortable, but this feeling is not unbearable. It is worth bearing because it exists, and defensive responses do not change reality and only compound my problems.
Criticism from others does not make me a lesser person. It proves that they have noticed what I have done and do not think well of what I have done. I do not have to rate and depreciate my total self because they have noticed my poor performance. I will choose to accept myself with my poor performance and see if there is any validity to their feedback and what I can profit from it to perform better in the future.
To err is human. When we are open to feedback and do not respond defensively, we are likely to live in harmony with others. We are also better positioned to profit from experience by not denying that we could have done better. With flexible and non-extreme attitudes like those taught by Rational Emotive Behavioral philosophy, you can benefit from feedback and learn to do better from your poor performances.
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