You are arranging what lies in Fortune’s control,
and abandoning what lies in yours. – Seneca
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, we encourage people to accept what they cannot change. Acceptance is a difficult thing to teach to another. Family, friends, and psychotherapists often prescribe it but poorly teach you how to attain a state of acceptance. More often, the individual facing adversity is most inclined to reject the idea of acceptance. We live in a technological society and are natural problem-solvers who wish to eradicate our frustrations and troubles. This inclination is all fine and good, but, unfortunately, sometimes we cannot do this immediately. In other cases, changing or eliminating the problem we face cannot be done at all. Our fate requires acceptance. Whether we are rich or poor, there are some things in life we cannot change. Acceptance is the best option. Fortune denies us of things and people regardless of how deep our desire of gaining what we desire. Among us who have not suffered a significant loss, carried an “unfair” burden, or failed at some prized relationship or endeavor? In the end, death and the process of dying is something we all must face. We ultimately lose each other through death.
With a pandemic upon us, circumstances have forced us to accept many things we would rather not face. Weddings and long-awaited trips have been postponed or canceled. Funerals have gone virtual. Many have lost businesses and jobs. The experience of going to college, gaining an education and participating in growth-promoting extracurriculars like athletic competitions and artistic or drama groups, and other worthwhile activities have been disrupted or canceled. The poor are poorer, often having lost low paying jobs. We are physically apart and, therefore, socially isolated. Most sadly, loved ones have become sick and died. Some of those who have become ill and partially recovered face an ongoing burden have to bear long-term symptoms and impairment related to having had Covid-19. Then there are our political differences and divisions we have to face and resolve.
One does not have to be in the throes of a pandemic or experiencing turbulent political times to profit from learning how to accept what cannot be changed. Right now, acceptance is an essential capability to cultivate and deploy. However, long before and after the pandemic and these divisive times, coping in life has or will require the prescription of acceptance of life’s unchangeable adversities. It is relatively easy to prescribe acceptance to a person, but the question remains, how is it that we achieve acceptance? What is it that one is to do or think to travel down the road and reach the destination of acceptance? How do we teach people to accept what they cannot change? What is the formula for cultivating acceptance? Learning how to accept something we very much want but cannot have or something we very much do not wish for but cannot avoid is our philosophical challenge.
The answer to this question is a complicated one. Ideally, we would start teaching this liberating idea to our children. The goal is not to teach passivity or resignation but a realistic, reliable, impervious emotional plan B, which we go to when all else fails. This email will only scratch the surface of how a person comes to accept something that they cannot change. A partial response begins with acknowledging that four thinking processes undermine our capacity to accept things we cannot change. Let’s examine these processes:
Demandingness (Rigidity, Idealism): Acceptance will not occur when we hold the attitude “Life must be as I want it to be.”
Awfulizing (Extreme rating of the bad): Acceptance will not be achievable as long as one holds the attitude “Because life is not as it must be, therefore it is awful and terrible.”
Intolerance of Discomfort: We will avoid instead of accept adversity when we think, “Because life is not as it must be, I feel uncomfortable. I cannot tolerate these painful feelings.”
Overgeneralized Thinking Leading to Depreciation of Life: We will reject, not accept what we cannot change when we hold the attitude “Because life is not as it must be, it is totally bad.”
It is impossible to accept what we cannot change when we think in these rigid and extreme ways. When we hold rigid and extreme attitudes towards adversity, our minds do not allow for acceptance to come about. Our internal psychological environment does not allow for acceptance. Therefore, if you wish to accept what you cannot change, an initial step will involve becoming aware of your implicit rigid and extreme attitudes toward the adversity you face. You will then need to discipline your thinking to change those four thinking processes and move towards adopting flexible and non-extreme, scientifically based attitudes for the adversity you face.
Let’s examine how to do this. Below you will find the matching four thinking processes transformed into either a flexible or non-extreme, scientifically sound attitude.
Flexible Wishes and Wants (Realism): I want life to be a certain way, but sadly this is not always possible, and it does not have to be so. I can accept reality as it is and relinquish my rigid thinking about how it ideally could be.
Rating Badness on a Continuum (Anti-awfulizing): When life is not as I wish it to be, that is bad or very bad because what I value is not in place. However, no matter how bad something is, things could still be worse. Moreover, I encounter many inconveniences, but none are awful or terrible. I can accept life has bad aspects, but those negative aspects can always be worse, and it is good to keep this in mind.
Discomfort Tolerance: When life is not as I wish it to be, I naturally will feel unhappy, disappointed, displeased, and annoyed. None of these negative feelings are unbearable. I can tolerate the feelings I naturally will experience when life is not as I want it to be. I accept that these unpleasant states are part of the human experience.
Appropriately General Thinking Without Depreciation of Life: There are many bad aspects of life among the neutral and desirable parts of life. Distinguishing the good, neutral, and bad parts of life and keeping in mind that no part or parts can represent the whole of life allows for a balanced view of life and healthy emotional adjustment. I can accept the bad aspects of life and see them as part of the complex human experience. Even with many bad experiences, no one knows how good or bad future experience will be, rendering a present conclusion regarding the whole of life invalid.
It does not seem we can teach you how to accept what you do not desire directly. With REBT theory, we can teach you how you disturb yourself by holding rigid and extreme attitudes when denied your strongest desires and facing arduous circumstances. Inflexible, dogmatic, and extreme thinking comes naturally to humans. We quickly think this way when denied, or we lose the things we most value. Accepting the loss of something we want mildly is far easier to achieve than accepting the loss of something very dear to our hearts. When we face the most significant losses or burdens in life, flexible and non-extreme thinking sets the stage for acceptance. However, under these conditions, it is the most challenging emotional position to adopt. The default psychological choice is to reject reality and demand, idealistically, circumstances to be as we want it to be.
Even though it is challenging to accept not having certain things or relationships we deeply desire, it does not mean it is impossible to achieve. We need to set our expectations for the process of coming to accept our fate. Not all losses, failures, or underserved burdens are equal. In some circumstances, the journey to acceptance will be a great struggle. So be it. However, you can count on this. The greater the pain or frustration or loss, the more coming to accept it is essential to achieve.
REBT guides you towards flexible and non-extreme alternative ways of thinking, which you can strive to develop. It can then help you cultivate flexible and non-extreme ways of thinking, enabling you to experience the psychological context within which acceptance of what you cannot change can develop. By accepting what you cannot change, you will be acknowledging that your wishes and wants are going unfulfilled but not concluding that the conditions of life must be different than they currently are. By accepting what you cannot change, you remain inclined to change what is changeable and to adjust constructively and live well despite experiencing unfulfilled wishes and the associated uncomfortable, negative feelings which will inevitably arise. To do this will require reflection, rehearsal, more reflection, and time. Expect a struggle with yourself. When faced with significant losses and burdens, fallible humans default to the rejection of reality. You can ultimately accept very painful loses and burdens in life, but one has to stay with the process of striving for unconditional acceptance.
Examples of the Philosophy of Acceptance
To achieve what REBT calls unconditional self-acceptance, you accept that you do not possess all the desired characteristics you wish you to have. As a result, you will also tend to display both desirable and undesirable behaviors. You may want to be taller, better-looking, or smarter and wish to do things more skillfully, but you accept that this does not have to be the case. You accept yourself as you are and strive to change any aspect of you that is changeable in a healthy way.
To achieve what REBT calls unconditional other-acceptance, you accept that other people have good and bad characteristics leading them to display favorable and unfavorable behaviors according to your values system. You wish people possess specific traits and display certain desirable behaviors, but you avoid overgeneralizing and categorizing people based on their characteristics or behaviors. You see them as fallible humans as you view yourself. You accept people, but you may not tolerate what they do because it is not consistent with your values system. You may or may not choose to attempt to influence them to change how they act, knowing full well you cannot change them.
To achieve what REBT calls unconditional life-acceptance, you accept that life is a mix of good, neutral, and bad moments and that the ratio does not have to be more good moments than neutral or bad moments. You see life as complex and ever-changing. You may wish that life be mostly or full of good moments, but you accept life is an ever-changing mix of good, neutral, and bad moments. You acknowledge that life does not have to be as you want it to be and that you never have to have what you want.
Learning to accept what you cannot change allows you to live well despite misfortune. Unfortunately, we do not formally teach children and adolescents how to come to terms with what they cannot change. Consequently, we grow to adulthood, not knowing how to live well with what we cannot change. Going back to the Adversity, Basic Attitudes, and Emotional\Behavioral consequences framework of REBT, our society primarily educates people on how to change adversity without teaching them how to cultivate basic attitudes that enable us to accept what we cannot change. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy teaches you ways to think, a philosophy that allows you to accept what you cannot change. When you accept what you cannot change, you can then have some degree of happiness and meaning despite the significant loss or heavy burden you have encountered. I hope you learn and then work at adopting the philosophy of REBT. Sooner or later, fortune will see to it that you will find it necessary to accept something you are powerless to change.