I feel about aging the way William Saroyan said he felt about death: Everybody has to do it, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. – Martha Beck
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy is a system of ideas that broadly applies to life’s most significant challenges. Earlier this week, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal titled “Americans Will Do Anything to Avoid Gray Hair – Forget hair-dye, people are going to great lengths to reduce or reverse the silvers. Some scientists of aging think they might be onto something.” It occurred to me that given that people start experiencing the onset of grey hair in their thirties, rather than seek remedies like hair dye, untested vitamins, or hope for magical prescription medications that often come with side effects, why not pursue unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional life acceptance instead? Physical and mental changes inevitably occur as we age, but you can get over getting older using the powerful philosophy of REBT.
Experience Healthy Negative Emotions About Age-related Changes
In REBT, we distinguish between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. The only people who look forward to getting older are young children who long for the freedom of not having to be under the thumb of their parents so that they can stay up late, not do homework, eat whatever they wish, and otherwise do as they please. However, for the rest of us, in our middle years, however you may define middle, we quickly become aware of the downside of getting older. It is best to use REBT to discipline your mind to experience healthy negative emotions like sorrow, disappointment, concern, and healthy regret in response to the challenges of aging. These negative emotions are healthy and acknowledge reality, motivating you to do what you can to slow the progression of aging and live happily despite the downside of aging. REBT can help you avoid the experience of painful, unhealthy, negative emotions like shame, depression, anxiety, unhealthy envy, and unhealthy regret as you age. With the healthy emotions REBT teaches, you can enjoy and take advantage of the upside of aging.
There is an Upside of Aging – Believe It or Not
As you age, you may enjoy greater financial freedom if you have saved and invested wisely and have more time to pursue your interests as you are relieved of caring for and supporting your children. You can move to another region, country, or environment you like and value. Alternatively, you can stay close to your children and enjoy the pleasures of grandchildren but take advantage of your ability to turn over their care to their parents when they have worn you out of the day. You may also enjoy the benefits of having advanced in your career. At this point in the game, you may have a sense of mastery at work and in various hobbies you pursued over the years because you have been doing them for an extended period. Furthermore, you have learned a bit about how life and people work and how to meet different challenges. I will not belabor the point that aging has its advantages. Experience and some wisdom have hopefully set in; you may be better able to appreciate and savor what you have and enjoy your life despite the age-related changes that are slowly occurring.
Coping Well with the Downside of Aging
Regardless of how many good things may occur with advancing age, the downside and the challenges mount almost exponentially as the years progress. Younger people may treat you differently because of how you look, feel, think, and move. Your body changes and does not function as well as it once did despite all the exercise and care to preserve your health, which you may have done and still do. Of course, various opportunities in life are no longer present. It is easy for humans to disturb themselves as they age about the many downsides of aging.
Self-defeating and Self-helping Attitudes of Aging
Let’s examine a small sample of the many self-defeating attitudes people hold about getting older (in bold text), followed by REBT consistent healthy attitudes that will enable you to enjoy the advantages and cope with the disadvantages of aging:
It is unacceptable that younger people lose interest in me as I age. I was once young, and they, too, will age as I have. They must not turn their nose up at me and treat me like I am a second-class citizen.
Healthy attitude: I wish younger people would retain an interest in me as I grow old, but sadly, many do not. They do not have to maintain an interest in me. The universe does not forbid ageism like it forbids violating the law of gravity. Unfortunately, humans do not treat each other as individuals, but sadly, they often resort to stereotypes. Angering or depressing myself will only make it harder to cope with marginalization. I can accept being treated as old and irrelevant but do not have to like it. I will strive to have a healthy reaction to those who are biased against me.
I cannot bear that I lost my youthful looks and sex appeal.
It is awful that more time is behind me than ahead of me.
Healthy attitude: Unfortunately, more time is behind me than is realistically ahead, but it is not awful, terrible, or the end of the world. I am still alive and kicking, and if I do not dwell on the amount of time behind me, I can enjoy the time ahead of me. If circumstances were different, I could be dead by now or less functional than I am. Furthermore, I am younger today than I will be next year, so let me do what I can to enjoy my relative “youth.”
I cannot accept that as the years go by, the opportunities in life narrow.
Healthy attitude: Unfortunately, the nature of life is such that as time passes, the opportunities to do particular things narrow. This narrowing of opportunities is not unacceptable. I can accept this, and it is worth doing because not accepting it will only lead to emotional disturbance. Suppose I accept what I cannot change. In that case, I will put myself in a mindset to recognize opportunities that are still available, even if exploiting these opportunities may take more energy or creativity. Acceptance is a sign of wisdom and will give me leverage over what I cannot change to fully enjoy the opportunities for love and fun that remain available to me.
It is time-consuming and frustrating to require exponentially increasing medical care. I cannot bear the exponentially increasing medical care my body needs.
Healthy attitude: The exponentially increasing medical care my body requires is unfortunate but not unbearable. Dwelling on the hassle of going to different doctors and taking various medications and treatments will only make it harder for me to bear. If I get creative, I can work or read while waiting for doctors. If I do not yield to low frustration tolerance and keep pace with technological changes, I can use my time in a doctor’s waiting room to watch Netflix movies with my headphones on, listen to music, write my memoirs, and not just kill time. If I make the hassle of frequent medical appointments into a holy horror, I will only make it harder to get these needed treatments. Whining, complaining, feeling sorry for myself, and dwelling on my medical woes will only make them far worse and heavier to bear.
I cannot accept that this is all there is to my life. I (absolutely) should have accomplished more with my life.
Healthy attitude: While I wish I had accomplished more with my life, that does not logically follow that I (absolutely) had to do with my life. Life is complex and challenging, and I accomplished what I accomplished because all the conditions were aligned for things to unfold as they did. Unhealthy regret will only have me ruminating and undermine my ability to enjoy the moment and accomplish what I can now. It might feel sad to think what might have occurred if the conditions had been otherwise in the past; it is not unbearable to tolerate what I made of life till now and how things have unfolded. It is worth accepting my accomplishments in the past, learning from them, and using that experience to do what I can at this stage of life. Time only goes forward, so let’s crack on action rather than crying in my beer that I squandered time and “should” have accomplished more by now.
I cannot bear the daily aches and pains that seem to increase.
Healthy attitude: Arthritic joint pain is hard to bear but not unbearable. Dwelling on the pain only magnifies it, and movement helps to lessen it. It is too bad I am not as flexible and have these daily aches and pains, but I commit to living fully despite them. I will judiciously use medications, movement, and exercise to manage the pain and stubbornly refuse to be miserable about these aches and pains.
I must not die unmated and unmarried.
Healthy attitude: I wanted to die mated and get married, but sadly, that did not happen. I will acknowledge that it did not have to happen, as I never met someone who met my preferences. Too bad. There is not much good in making myself miserable over what pleasures I did not achieve in life. I can focus on the pleasures I sought and did achieve. I will refuse to define myself in terms of my marital status. One thing I can be happy about is that I had what it took to stand on my own two feet throughout my life.
I cannot bear the loss of my spouse and good friends.
Healthy attitude: I wish my spouse and good friends would not die and leave me, but sadly, this is going to happen. Death is a part of life and nature’s way of renewing itself. I was blessed to have these friends and family; sadly, they have been returned, as all our loved ones are on loan to us. I will be sad, but I will never forget these beautiful people and the relationships I enjoyed with them. I will use the memories we made together to enjoy my life and comfort myself in difficult times.
I look forward to making new friendships and finding new love because this will not disrespect my past friends and spouse. I have a right to enjoy myself and adapt to life’s challenges, and I commit to doing so. I will change what I can change and accept what I cannot.
I am afraid to die. It is awful that I am going to die, and I can see the finish line.
Healthy attitude: There is nothing to fear about dying. Like all other adversities I faced in life, my fear is a function of my attitude to the changes and challenges that death presents. My fear is a result of not accepting the natural processes of life. Even if I face pain in dying, that pain will exist for a finite period. Even if I fear nothingness, I can take comfort in knowing that what is occurring is that I am returning to the state of nothingness from which I emerged. Nothing was and will not be unacceptable. I will assume there is no reason I cannot enjoy life until the end. If I keep cultivating unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional life acceptance, and unconditional other acceptance, I can create emotional comfort as I face my final breath.
The Bottom Line
You can come to terms with getting older by adopting a flexible and non-extreme stance toward the many challenges of aging. Life is short and getting shorter every day. Cultivate the self-helping, flexible, realistic attitudes suggested by the REBT philosophy to cope with all that life throws your way as you age. Get over getting older with REBT!
Note: If you are a mental health professional and wish to train in REBT, write to me at REBTDoctor@gmail.com and request information on the affordable group and individual training I provide to psychotherapists of all levels of expertise.