Now that the new year has started, perhaps it may very well be time to make some plans to get out of your comfort zone to grow as a person in 2021. In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, we argue that one of the fundamental ways that fallible humans hold themselves back in life is to demand that they remain comfortable. Ellis taught that it was our nature to have goals and avoid doing the hard work required to achieve those goals. He often referred to this tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings associated with initiating effort low discomfort tolerance.
Ellis argued that we hold implicit philosophical attitudes that we bring to the challenges of life. People often hold self-defeating attitudes, such as:
(1.) Life must be easy.
(2.) I have to remain comfortable.
(3.) I have goals, but they have to be easy to achieve or achievable without too much effort.
(4.) Things must not take as much time, effort, and persistence as they require.
(5.) It is too hard to overcome inertia and get started on this goal.
(6.) I cannot bear the inner feelings of discomfort I experience when making an effort towards my goal.
In REBT, we encourage people to see that our rigid and extreme attitudes are responsible for our self-defeating emotions and behaviors. We encourage you to look for these attitudes and question their validity and utility. Thinking about our thinking from the standpoint if our attitudes are consistent with observable data and if they help us function in the world takes effort in and of itself. We call this process “disputing your irrational attitudes,” and people often resist doing this type of strenuous thinking.
Let’s look at the above attitudes and dispute them:
(1.) Life must be easy.
Although I want life to be easy, what evidence suggests it must be so?
Answer: There is no evidence. Life is often challenging.
How does this attitude impact my functioning in life?
Answer: I avoid working at goals and may hold myself back from developing my potential as a person. Developing skills takes effort, even when we have great potential.
(2.) I have to remain comfortable.
What evidence supports this attitude?
Answer: No evidence supports the idea I must remain comfortable. There is a good deal of evidence that life often involves uncomfortable states, and none of those painful states have ever killed me. Uncomfortable does not equal unbearable.
What is the impact of this attitude?
Answer: I will avoid, avoid, avoid. I will sacrifice long-term pleasure and achievement for immediate comfort. I will miss out.
(3.) I have goals, but they have to be easy to achieve or achievable without too much effort.
Is this attitude true or false?
Answer: This attitude is incorrect. It is idealistic to think that my goals have to be easy to achieve or achieved without much effort. In an ideal world, this idea would be correct, but in this world, work and struggling to achieve one’s goals is par for the course. Make the effort. Stay the course.
Does this attitude help me achieve my goals?
Answer: Thinking goals have to be easy to achieve or achievable without too much effort will undermine goal achievement. This attitude will hold me back from doing what it takes to achieve worthwhile goals.
(4.) Things must not take as much time, effort, and persistence as they require.
Can I falsify this attitude?
Answer: Yes, I can falsify this attitude by reviewing my past achievements in life. Whether in school, at work, or in my personal life, I see that they often required more time, effort, and persistence than I wished they had. Too bad that is how it went. However, it is good I made an effort and did not think in this unrealistic way, or else those achievements would never have occurred.
Is this attitude going to help me in the real-world make progress towards my goals?
Answer: No. This attitude will lead me to quit on my goals and dreams. Things take time, often more time and effort than we would like them to, which is how it goes in life. If you are unwilling to pay the price, you are unlikely to achieve many worthwhile goals in life.
(5.) It is too hard to overcome inertia and get started on this goal.
Can I prove that it is too hard to overcome inertia and get started on this goal?
Answer: I cannot prove that it is too hard. I can prove getting started at things takes effort, is hard, but never is that too hard. I fool myself into thinking it is too hard to get started when it merely is hard. I do not have to feel inclined to get started at doing something to get started. A body in motion tends to stay in motion; a body at rest tends to remain at rest. Get cracking. Take that first step. Push yourself because the goal is worth it. Seek long-term pleasure over short-term comfort.
What is the impact of holding this attitude on my behavior and growth as a person?
Answer: I stay comfortable, yield to inertia, and miss out on the pleasure that would result from achieving this goal.
(6.) I cannot bear the inner feelings of discomfort I experience when making an effort towards my goal.
What evidence do you have that you cannot bear the inner feelings of discomfort you experience when making an effort towards your goal?
Answer: My feelings are not facts. I do not like the uncomfortable feelings, but it will not kill me. If it were true that I could not bear the discomfort, I would die from bearing it but that has never happened! Hard work is uncomfortable but is not unbearable. When it is worth doing, I can choose to tolerate the painful feelings that I experience when I think about it and then follow through on making an effort towards my goal.
What is the downside of holding this attitude?
Answer: I probably will not achieve a great deal in life. If I am okay with not developing my potential, then there is not much of a downside to this attitude.
Conclusion and Summary
People are creatures of habit. We often fall into the habit of avoiding discomfort. Reversing the pattern is challenging but not impossible. You can discipline your mind in rational thinking to achieve greater pleasure, achievement, and meaning over the long run. Start by unconditionally accepting yourself with your practice of avoiding discomfort and thereby undermining your growth and development as a person. You are a fallible human, and it is your nature to want to gain without pain. Putting yourself down will not help you build your discomfort tolerance. Next, think about a goal that is worthwhile for you to achieve. Think about the pleasurable benefits you would experience if you pushed yourself to work at the goal. Keep in mind what you are gaining, not the comfort you are giving up. Identify any rigid and extreme attitude that results in your low discomfort tolerance. Ask the two fundamental disputing questions I demonstrated in the examples above. 1. Where is the evidence that supports my rigid or extreme attitude? 2. Does my attitude help me succeed, cultivate my potential, and have greater pleasure in the real world or does it hold me back? Write your questions down as I have above. Thoroughly examine your attitudes. Then create new high discomfort tolerance attitudes. Don’t just think, remember to act in accord with your new rational attitudes. REBT is about taking action, not just thinking about taking action!
Make a goal for 2021 to lean into discomfort rather than to avoid it. Commit to pushing against inertia and the inclination to avoid pain when it comes to worthwhile goals. You may surprise yourself with what you can achieve when you make yourself experience discomfort in the service of a personal goal.
Feel free to email me at REBTDoctor@gmail.com and let me know of your achievements. I have faith in how humans can achieve great things when they push themselves. REBT works when you work it. Let me know how it goes for you!
Note: On Saturdays, I hold a free Zoom conversation hour where I take a volunteer and discuss one of their problems. If you have been avoiding working towards a goal or dealing with a personal issue, perhaps you would like to volunteer and discuss your situation with me. I will show you the rigid and extreme attitudes that are holding you back from achieving your goals.
Bottomline: Do what is awkward, uncomfortable, and difficult over and over again and you will see how you can build your discomfort tolerance and grow as a human. Strain and you will gain.
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