There are patterns to be observed in life. The best predictor of future human behavior is past behavior. We can come to “expect” some behaviors from “some” people “some” of the time. This way of thinking often applies to the events of life. What has happened before often will happen again. It makes good sense for humans to generalize to a greater or lesser extent under many conditions. Without generalizations, we would likely be paralyzed and not keep up with the pace of events as they unfold in our lives. Generalizations are helpful, often but not always. They are a natural starting point, but we must remain on guard against overgeneralizing. It is easy for our minds to cross a line and stray from the observable “facts” into overgeneralizations which lead to emotional disturbance and ineffective behavior.
REBT aims to assist people in reducing their emotional disturbance, surviving, and thriving in an unpredictable and often challenging world. REBT targets for change rigid and extreme thinking about ourselves, others, and life. In REBT, we point out the profound impact our attitudes have on how well we manage our emotions and respond to a negative state of affairs. In REBT, we teach people to spot three rigid, self-defeating, unrealistic attitudes:
- I must do well, as perfectly well as I absolutely think I should.
- You must treat me nicely, as nicely as I think you absolutely should.
- Life must be as I want it to be in all the ways I deem it absolutely should be.
One very self-defeating consequence of these three rigid attitudes is that they tend to give rise to biased conclusions. These biased conclusions are often, not always, overgeneralizations. When we overgeneralize, we experience false emotional reactions to the observable “facts.” We are out of sync with what is happening at the moment we live. Under these conditions, we are more likely to act in an unsane, self-defeating way.
To avoid crossing the line from healthy generalizing to unhealthy overgeneralizing, you need to commit to monitoring your reactions. It would be best if you admitted to the dangers of overgeneralizing. Then commit to remaining aware of your thinking, feelings, and behavioral responses to catch your overgeneralizations, quickly uproot them, and get back to the facts of the moment you are experiencing.
You can hold flexible attitudes in both general and more specific ways. To set the stage to generalize but not overgeneralize and get closer to optimal functioning, work on adopting flexible attitudes towards yourself, others, and life. In REBT, we teach people to have three flexible, self-helping, realistic attitudes:
- I want to perform well, as ideally well as I can in this moment, but I acknowledge I do not absolutely have to perform ideally well despite the many advantages of doing so.
- I want you to treat me nicely, as nicely as I ideally would like you to treat me, but I acknowledge that you do not absolutely have to treat me nicely despite the many advantages that would produce for me.
- I want the conditions of life to be ideal all the time. However, I acknowledge that despite the many advantages this would bestow upon me, the conditions of life do not have to be ideal.
When you find yourself experiencing an unhealthy negative emotion like unhealthy anger, depression or despair, anxiety, shame, guilt, unhealthy envy, unhealthy jealousy, and hurt, acknowledge these emotional states as they are occurring. You cannot address a self-defeating emotional response until you recognize it. Next, commit yourself to discipline thinking. Then identify the underlying rigid attitude as specified above. Work to falsify and contradict your rigid philosophy. Look for the exception to your masturbatory thinking. Ask:
- Does evidence support this rigid attitude?
- Does this attitude lead me away from the observable facts of the situation and contribute to a dysfunctional reaction?
- Would I teach a child to think this way in this situation? If not, why not?
- What alternative flexible attitude would be consistent with the facts, lead to a healthy reaction, and one I would in good conscience teach to a child?
- What would be the best way to express that flexible attitude?
- What advantages does this alternative attitude confer upon me?
In addition, spot the overgeneralizations that flow from these rigid attitudes. Phrases with extreme, highly abstract, broad, or vague words generally reflect our overgeneralized ways of thinking. Review this list of words that will help you spot overgeneralizations:
- always or never
- all or none
- awful, terrible, totally bad, the end of the world
- loser, failure, jerk,
- evil, worthless, perfect
Be exceptionally careful when you use the verb to be. This verb sets your mind up to overgeneralize. For example, a thought such as “John is evil” goes beyond the facts. This conclusion is abstract and too broad. What are the facts? His current action conflicts with my value system. Perhaps this man often acts this way. However, my thought “He is evil” generalizes too far because it goes beyond the past and present and implies future evil acts will and only occur. Yes, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so you could think, “He likely will do future, similar, evil acts, so I had better prepare for this. However, I can remain open to inconsistent behavior that is more favorable.” It is in your best emotional interest to stay as close to the observable facts as possible.
Consider depicting events in precise ways that closely approximate what occurred in your world in the past, is going on at that moment, and could but has not yet happened in the future. Review these examples:
- often but not always
- rarely but not never
- infrequently but not never
- most but not all
- few but not all
- bad but not awful
- very bad, but not terrible
- inconvenient but not unbearable
- dispreferred, dislikeable, distasteful but not intolerable
- He lost this time but is not a loser.
- I failed again this time but will not necessarily always continue to fail.
- She acted deplorably and immorally in this way. However, she has not always conducted herself this way. We cannot predict with certainty that this will always occur.
- He has carried out an evil act or acts and is likely to continue to do so. I will prepare for the worst but recognize that it is not certain that past behavior will be repeated.
- She has produced an outstanding performance, a near-perfect performance.
You might think that the precise thinking we teach in REBT is impossible to display with any consistency. Strive to falsify that assumption! Start with awareness. Just observe your reactions and associated feelings and behaviors. Then attempt to use a past misstep as a starting point. Attempt to restate your thinking in both a flexible way and one that produces a more precise conclusion. Here are three examples:
- I want to think precisely and react effectively to the challenges of life, but I do not absolutely have to do so. I sometimes, but not always, will think in this more effective way. However, with practice, there is a good chance I can do so more frequently. Keep at it!
- I wish you would treat me as I want you to treat me, but you are independent and with agency and do not have to do so. I do acknowledge you have sometimes but not always treated me nicely, and if I healthily respond to you, perhaps you may do so more often. I won’t give up on the future of our relationship.
- I wish life were as I ideally imagine it could be, but it does not have to be this way. I do acknowledge that it has not always been bad, and sometimes there have been days and moments when things have been close to perfect. I will savor those moments and not miss future good moments by demanding that life always unfold as I think it absolutely should.
Using REBT, I have worked to improve my sloppy thinking and have helped many people improve their thinking, emoting, and behaving. Humans can think elegantly but benefit from instruction on how to do so. Such precise thinking leads to a higher level of functioning in the face of adversity. I recommend that you regularly watch my Saturday demonstrations, where I work with a volunteer and show them how to improve the quality of their thinking. Observing these demonstrations will make you more aware of your imprecise thinking. The more you watch my demonstrations, the more quickly you learn to think more precisely and enjoy healthier reactions. Do not assume you cannot think, feel, and do better with regular effort. Little, consistent efforts add up. Keep at your REBT. Generalize, just do not overgeneralize!