People who avoid misery and work at changing what can be changed when adversity strikes all employ REBT’s Principle of Emotional Responsibility. Simply stated this principle asserts that people make themselves disturbed about obstacles, adversities, injustices, mistreatment, ill health, disabilities etc., etc. If you employ this principle and take responsibility for your emotional and behavioral reactions you will NOT be a happy camper when adversity strikes but you will NOT be miserable either. The healthy negative feelings you experience will help motivate you to change what you can change and /or to move on when the adversity you encounter cannot be changed. The healthy negative feelings you feel will enable you to PERSIST at changing what can be changed and to have some degree of happiness despite having an adversity in your life that you are working to change over the long run. I cannot think of one person who achieves a great deal in life OR who copes well with a significant adversity who does not endorse the Principle of Emotional Responsibility. We live in times when many well-meaning but misguided people, including some mental health professionals, may encourage you to not embrace this empowering REBT principle. Do not do this if you wish to do well in life. Keep after yourself and catch yourself blaming conditions of life for your self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions. As soon as you catch yourself blaming the other person or the adversity look for your idealistic, absolute MUSTS, look for your dogmatic SHOULDS and fight with yourself. As hard as it might be for you, at the moment when you are making yourself upset push yourself to cling to the Principle of Emotional Responsibility. Remind yourself that:
YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF UPSET ABOUT THE LOUSY THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU. REMIND YOURSELF YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN THE ATTITUDE YOU EMBRACE ABOUT IT. REMIND YOURSELF THAT THIS ATTITUDE WILL IMPACT HOW YOU MAKE YOURSELF FEEL AND REACT TO THIS LOUSY THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. How will not taking responsibility for my emotions and behaviors in this negative situation possibly going to help me?
2. How will thinking and reacting like a victim going to help me have some happiness while persisting at changing what I eventually might be able to change?
3. Do I want control over my life and my emotional destiny or do I want to rely on luck and other people to treat me kindly as I travel through life?
You are capable of self-helping, self-empowering reasoning when you encounter adversity. It does require practice but you can do it. All humans have this capacity. Sadly, some people elect not to embrace the Principle of Emotional Responsibility and take the easier role of playing the victim.