Sunday morning, December 1, 2024, New York City
Okay, I will do a shame attack. I am a fallible human first, and a REBT psychologist second. Yesterday was a blow. For the past 225 weeks, I have had a volunteer for the weekly public demonstration on REBT. It was a surprise that none of the 128 people present yesterday wanted to discuss a personal problem and allow me to demonstrate how REBT could help them address that problem. Let’s look at the ABC analysis of my initial reaction, which I concluded was unhealthy.
My Goal: Survive and live happily (a large part of my happiness and personal meaning comes from helping others learn how to use REBT to cope with their problems)
(A) Situational Adversity: After soliciting a volunteer as I do every week at 9 AM, I canceled the meeting after waiting twelve minutes because no one came forward.
(A) Critical Adversity (an inference that may or may not be accurate and only I can access through reflection): “I failed, and interest in the REBT demonstrations is waning. No one wants to volunteer. Is this the beginning of the end of the fun of disseminating these powerful ideas through weekly public demonstrations?”
(B) Basic Attitudes:
- How could this be?! Someone SHOULD have stepped forward and allowed us to proceed with the demonstration!
- How awful!
- Life is completely bad!
(C) Consequence: Strong sadness, or was it depression? How do I tell the difference if it was a genuinely healthy emotion or an unhealthy reaction, whether I choose to call it unhealthy sadness, unhealthy depression, or unhealthy self-pity? I continued to work on the tasks I wanted to get to do later in the day on my daily to-do list. However, looking back, my emotional reaction reduced my efficiency and concentration. I suspect there was an element of unhealthy sadness and unhealthy disappointment teetering on self-pity. I will do self-therapy.
(D) Disputing my Basic Attitudes Identified Above:
What dispute should I lead with? I will lead with the Child dispute:
Teach a Child Dispute: What would you say to your son or daughter who was invested in this project of disseminating REBT to the extent you are and encountered the same fate as you did today?
Answer: “Son, you have to be capable of coping with failure if you want to succeed. Defeats and setbacks are part of life. They test you. Remember that good can come from bad. Figure out how to turn this into a positive. Some days, you will eat the bear; some days, the bear will eat you. That is how it goes. Keep your ego out of it. Streaks end. Two hundred and twenty-five consecutive demonstrations is a streak that is not too shabby. Pete Rose, your childhood hero, had his 44-game hitting streak end. Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak also came to an end. It happens. Streaks end. Get over it. Accept it. You do not have to get it your way. Life goes on.”
Functional Dispute: What is the functional impact of your attitude towards this setback?
Answer: My attitude sours my mood, and my body also feels it. My mood diminishes my cognitive efficiency. It also generates biased inferences like “Does this mean that the future of the Conversation Hour is in jeopardy?” My mind asks, “Am I making a biased prediction, or is it a legitimate inquiry?” Given my mood, it is more than a simple question. It is a statement of sorts and a biased prediction at that. You do not know that this is necessarily the beginning of the end.
Disputing by Examining the Evidence for and against your attitude:
Let’s examine the evidence for each of your attitudes at B above.
Evidence against: How could this be?! Someone (absolutely) SHOULD have stepped forward and allowed us to proceed with the demonstration!
Answer: There is no evidence for this attitude. Evidence shows that all the conditions were right for the opposite—no volunteers. I can speculate that attendance was down due to the Thanksgiving Holiday, which contributed. However, 128 people in attendance could have volunteered, as it only took one person to step up and volunteer, and one did not do so. Wait, but your participation rules prevent those who have volunteered in the past six months from volunteering, making for less than 128 possible candidates. Despite the restrictions imposed by your rules, more than one person was likely eligible to volunteer. Unfortunately, the conditions were right for what took place to take place. I can guess what those conditions were, but in the end, the conditions were right, and what “SHOULD” have happened, whether I liked it or not, did happen. Accept it. The cancellation of today’s conversation had to occur simply because all the conditions were ideal for it to take place. Too bad. You took one on the chin today.
Evidence against: How awful!
Answer: Indeed, it was disappointing (i.e., bad) to have to cancel today’s demonstration, but was it awful? Come on now, that is over the top. Lots of worse things could have occurred. No one could have initially attended let alone 128. Furthermore, it is safe to assume that 128 other people were also unhappy if you were disappointed. Perhaps good will come from bad. Maybe their disappointment will cause them to consider sharing with friends that this educational demonstration occurs weekly. As a result, more people could join, exponentially increasing the number of people who ultimately learn about REBT, develop an interest in it, and profit from it in the future. The impact of today’s disappointment could be to allow these weekly demonstrations to continue to occur for a long time, leading to the ultimate aim of keeping REBT alive and sharing it widely. Today could be a step backward in the short run for a leap forward in the long run. If that were to occur, I might look back on today and say it was a bad day but far from awful because it was the catalyst for a growth spurt in the number of people attending. Good would result from bad! Let’s hope this is the ultimate result.
Evidence against: Life is completely bad!
Answer: This attitude is an excellent example of an extreme rating of a lousy event. Your life is more than an hour of your work pleasure. Seeing how a relatively minor stimulus can lead your mind to such extreme evaluations is interesting. Yes, you enjoy meeting people and introducing them to this fascinating system of ideas called REBT, but my life remains largely undiminished from an hour ago. It has so much good to it that it is prudent to acknowledge. Today is a drop in the ocean. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for having been deprived of the pleasure you get from disseminating REBT, you could count your blessings. A great deal of good has occurred over the past 225 weeks and has produced great joy and pleasure to flow your way. Self-pity is over the top. Gratitude that it took 225 weeks before you hit a wall is in order.
Logically disputing: How could this be?! Someone SHOULD have stepped forward and allowed us to proceed with the demonstration!
Answer: What is your premise? What is the unspoken reason you leap into the abyss of your SHOULD conclusion? Because you enjoy disseminating these powerful ideas, someone SHOULD have stepped forward and allowed us to proceed with the demonstration. That is not logical because there is no logical tie between what you enjoy and what others do. People are independently motivated; linking what you want with what they do does not logically make sense. That is a humbling thought that you would be well advised to always bear in mind.
Logically disputing: How awful!
Answer: The unspoken part of this attitude is that it is bad that no one volunteered (a non-extreme rating), which is linked silently to the conclusion that it is awful (an extreme rating). This attitude is illogical because an extreme rating does not logically derive from a non-extreme rating. Yes, it is bad that no one volunteered (a non-extreme rating), but it is not awful (a non-extreme rating), and now the two parts of my attitude logically align with one another.
Logically disputing: Life is completely bad!
Answer: The unspoken part of this attitude is that it is bad that no one volunteered this morning (a non-extreme rating), which is linked in my mind to life being completely bad (an extreme rating). This attitude is illogical because an extreme rating does not logically derive from a non-extreme rating. Yes, it is bad that no one volunteered this morning (a non-extreme rating), but life is not completely bad despite this bad event (a non-extreme rating), and now the two parts of my attitude logically align with one another.
(E) Elegant New Philosophical Attitudes:
It can and did happen that a Saturday arrived, but no one volunteered, necessitating an unexpected cancellation. Too bad! Although you wanted someone to step forward and enable us to proceed with the demonstration, things can go differently than planned. Events do not have to unfold according to your wishes, wants, and desires. You do not control events; you only contribute to them. Accept reality as it does not have to be to your liking, and you will have healthy disappointment, not unhealthy sadness and depression rooted in self-pity.
Unfortunately, the 128 people and you who attended today’s demonstration could not witness the powerful ideas of REBT as applied to a volunteer’s problem. It is not awful! It’s too bad, but it’s far from the end of the world. Life has its disappointing moments, and you will live through them.
Again, it is unfortunate that yesterday’s events disappointed the REBT community, which turned out for the Conversation Hour. Still, life is not completely bad! Good may still come from bad. Anyone who studies this Intermittent Reinforcement email message will see how to use REBT’s prescribed self-help disputing process. This self-analysis may inspire them to try it when they upset themselves, as you did yesterday. In any event, I will transcend this week’s adversity and go on.
Question: Do you have any doubts, reservations, or Objections to any of the above?
Answer: None, honestly.
Question: How could you act in a way that is consistent and logically follows from your new healthy attitudes stated above?
Answer: I wrote this email and will release it to the public, a behavioral act consistent with the combined goals of unconditional self-acceptance, other acceptance, and life acceptance. Keep at it!
Bottomline: Remember what Ellis used to say. He said, “Emotional disturbance can be thought of as taking yourself, others, and life too seriously or not seriously enough.” Be sure not to take your mission to disseminate REBT and help people learn it too seriously!