Working with retired people who struggle with depression has made it clear that some were “waiting to die.” After successful careers, either adversity or choice led them to retire. The daily goals these people had, the satisfaction they received from their work, and the reinforcement and structure that went with their former lives vanished overnight. What crept into their lives in its aftermath were depression, meaninglessness, and unstructured days. Too much television watching often became their principal daily activity. Some would stay up very late and not sleep until just before dawn and live a life out of sync with their spouses. As their depression deepened, some would no longer shave, groom their hair, and bathe.
Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), included recommendations for establishing and maintaining emotional well-being in his therapy. He wanted his clients to maximize well-being by going beyond emotional disturbance. He wanted them to engage actively in life to maximize their happiness. I have argued that Ellis’s list of recommendations distinguishes REBT as a philosophy of life and not merely a form of cognitive-behavior psychotherapy. One of those recommendations includes having a vitally absorbing interest.
To maximize happiness, Ellis and Dryden (2007) encourage people to relate to at least one other person intimately and to have a vitally absorbing interest which they refer to as committing to creative pursuits:
Most people tend to be healthier and happier when they are vitally absorbed in something outside themselves and preferably have at least one powerful creative interest, as well as some major human involvement, that they consider so important that they structure a good part of their life around it. – Albert Ellis and Windy Dryden
REBT theory teaches people that it is essential to cultivate flexible and non-extreme attitudes to cope with life’s adversities. However, as Ellis and Dryden have argued, such attitudes are necessary but insufficient for optimal emotional well-being and life satisfaction. To maximize your life satisfaction, you must have a healthy philosophy when facing adversity. You also need what Ellis called a vitally absorbing interest. He would continually encourage his clients to find something that deeply interests them, adding meaning and structuring their daily lives. It does not matter so much what these vitally absorbing interests were, but what mattered was that the pursuit was meaningful to the individual. Ellis regularly pushed people to try, among other possibilities, to “Build a business, build a family, or engage in political activism.” Just as REBT has been doing for many years, a relatively recent shift in psychology’s subject matter aims to help people beyond the remediation of disorders. Instead, it seeks to identify scientifically supported strategies for enhancing well-being. Martin Seligman is a leading figure in what is known as the positive psychology movement. Seligman said, “He (Ellis) was a great psychologist, and I would like him to have his due place … he is an unsung hero of Positive Psychology.”
Having A Mission
My preferred way of referring to creative involvement in life is to have a mission. I have thought a great deal about the role having a mission plays in my life and how to help others appreciate the importance of having a mission in theirs and assist them in declaring that mission. I think that we all would benefit from having a mission. If people do not have a reason to get up every day, regardless of how rational they may be, in the end, they will generally have a lower quality of life. Perhaps some people need to have more than one mission to optimize well-being. For some people, one overarching mission will not suffice.
Furthermore, with each developmental stage of life, we need to transition from one mission to another as the seasons of our lives change and new possibilities and limitations emerge. We can use the flexible and non-extreme attitudes endorsed by REBT to make the necessary adaptations to each season of our lives to find new missions and maximize pleasure and life satisfaction. For example, as an adolescent and young man, my goal was to become a professional baseball player. In addition to being absorbed in my academic studies, I spent innumerable hours, often alone, practicing learning to be a switch hitter and practicing other aspects of the game of baseball. I failed in the end and had to find a new mission. REBT helped me accept this failure and move on in life. The next mission was my doctorate in psychology, followed by finding love and attempting to run in the New York City Marathon. I started training for a marathon, found love, got married, and continued running. Once I completed one marathon, I decided to run in the New York City Marathon annually. Simultaneously, I adopted the mission of disseminating Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy as I came to appreciate its superiority compared to all the other available psychotherapies I read about and explored. The roughly 36 to 60 miles a week required to train for the annual November marathon gave me life structure from February through November. After completing my workday as an REBT psychologist, I spent hours running in Central Park. Each year I tried to outdo my previous performance. My goal was to participate and compete against myself in this event until I was 90 years of age. After thirteen consecutive years, that mission ended when I injured my foot beyond repair.
Currently, I have another mission. That mission is the dissemination of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. REBT is a promising therapy that has fallen out of favor among American psychotherapists. The reasons for this are not relevant to this piece. In my view, REBT is an effective and efficient form of therapy, and my goal is to keep this endangered philosophy and psychotherapy alive and have fun doing it. My secondary missions are to love deeply, travel widely, eat fine food, continue learning, and read as much as possible while remaining alive.
Experiment to Find Your Mission
Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a job that is their primary mission. Often when I talk to people about having a mission, patients will say I don’t know what could be a mission for me. The answer to that dilemma is to guess and creatively experiment with different things and activities. I have concluded that there are two broad categories to search for your mission. One general class of missions is to try to gain knowledge and skill. I often say that in my next life, I will learn to design dresses, learn Latin, act in plays, play the piano and chess, and paint with acrylic paints. These things are what I will do if I ever lose interest in the dissemination of REBT. If I ever were to lose interest in the dissemination, this is a short list of the things I would creatively experiment with to find my next mission.
The second broad category to search for a mission is to help others, serve others, love others, or connect with others. If you build a business that provides a needed service, this, in my mind, qualifies as serving others. This category would include coaching and mentoring, leading meetup groups, helping the homeless, political activism, defending others in need, teaching people to read, or working with animals. Making new friends and lovers might also occur as one engages in the service of others.
Let’s now examine a few of the rigid and extreme attitudes that block people from finding a mission or transitioning from one mission to a new one as the circumstances of their lives change:
Mission blocking attitude: My dreams have become my memories. I am too old to find a new mission. It is too late in the game of life for that.
Healthy alternative attitude: I have many memories only means I have much life experience. Even in my 80’s or 90’s, I can choose to think, love, and serve. I can make new dreams if I do not depress myself by demanding to be younger and have more years ahead of me than what is behind me. There is a tradeoff as I am wiser now, and I preferably should act on that wisdom. No one is guaranteed to live long enough to achieve their goals, yet young people dream. Dare to dream and then put willpower into those dreams. Even if I die before I accomplish the objective, moving towards goals, dreams, vitally absorbing interests, or a mission will make my life worth living and happier than if I am passive and wait for death by sitting around watching television all day.
Mission blocking attitude: It (absolutely) should be easier to find a new, vitally absorbing interest.
Healthy alternative attitude: I wish it were easier to find a new vitally absorbing interest, but it does not (absolutely) have to be so. I will accept that discovery takes time and effort and keep experimenting and looking for a new mission. As time passes, I will likely cultivate skill and pleasure from engaging in a particular activity. If I wish to abandon one mission and adopt another after a reasonable effort, I am free to do that too. When to start a new adventure is a personal decision best left up to me. It is my life; only I can monitor my internal experience and decide to stop heading in one direction and start in a new direction. Living a full life is an art, not science, and involves calculated risk-taking, self-direction, independent thinking, and experimentation. I will unconditionally accept myself and possible failure and seek meaningful ways to enjoy my current existence.
Mission blocking attitude: I must have more financial resources to engage more with life and have a mission.
Healthy alternative attitude: It might be better to have more financial resources, but I do not have to have more financial resources to enjoy my life and have a mission. If I cannot travel, I can save up to travel. If I cannot save up, I will find things I can afford to do. I can make my life meaningful if I assume I can. Illness and disability, too, do not have to stop me. It is essential to refuse to think I cannot enjoy my life and make it meaningful. Like financial limitations, these might make it harder to do certain things, NOT impossible. If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.
Mission blocking attitude: I am not good enough to make a difference in the world and have a mission.
Healthy alternative attitude: There is no reason to assume I am not good enough to make a difference in the world. I can rate what I do as good or bad, but my personhood defies a global rating. People’s intrinsic worth cannot be estimated; therefore, I am fallible like everyone else, even though I am unique in my strengths and weaknesses. Helping and serving others is an excellent way for me to structure my life and boost my mood. If I help one person one time, I have made a difference. Who can I assist in a small way today?
Mission blocking attitude: I must develop skills quickly and easily. I have tried several ways to make life more worthwhile and meaningful. By now, I (absolutely) should have succeeded.
Healthy alternative attitude: I wish I could develop skills quickly and easily, but I do not have to do so. When we try new things, sometimes it takes time before we experience reinforcement and pleasure. It is uncomfortable to stick with a new hobby until I reach a degree of mastery, but it is not unbearable. Stay with it. It is worth making my life meaningful by learning new skills and actively engaging with life.
Mission blocking attitude: Developing mastery takes time, and I have too little time and energy. I need more time than I probably have to get more out of life through a new mission.
Healthy alternative attitude: No one knows how much time they have to live. I can wait around to die or be busy living until death comes for me. Taking steps towards the goal will serve a useful purpose even if I pass sooner rather than later. As for energy, a body in motion tends to stay in motion; a body at rest stays at rest. Doing interesting things, learning, and serving others will produce energy as I begin to enjoy life instead of passively living day to day.
Mission blocking attitude: My spouse has passed. It is too hard to throw myself into a meaningful new relationship.
Healthy alternative attitude: Sadly, my beloved spouse has passed, but I am alive. I am still alive, and there are many different people to relate to and love. I am not dishonoring my spouse to love again. Putting myself in the company of others and connecting with people will help me make the most of my time, whether I develop new friendships or love intensely. Take heed of the wisdom of Michelangelo, who said, “Alas, love, how swift to act you are, reckless, bold, armed and strong! For you drive out of me the thought of death at the time, it is approaching and from a withered tree, draw foliage and flowers.”
Mission blocking attitude: My friends have died. Who wants to be friends with an older person like me? I am worthless.
Healthy alternative attitude: Throughout life, friends come and go. No one of us can have too many friends. Leading a fulfilling life requires the skill and initiative to make new friends continually. Your assuming you are worthless is a sign of depression. Defining yourself as worthless is crooked reasoning. Actions have worth, not people. What has worth is what people do for themselves and others. Go and do something and see for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Don’t let barriers get in your way. Figure out a way around the obstacles or persevere through them. My friend Dr. Windy Dryden says, “If it is going to be, it is up to me.” Living a life without a mission and watching television is the easy path. Experiment with things you have not done until you find something that fulfills you. Then throw yourself into that activity or activity and get beyond the initial start-up effort that is required. At first, learning a new skill, moving in a new direction, joining a new group, and starting a new mission might not be rewarding. Stick with it. Pleasure and mastery often take time. Do not give up on something you try too early in your learning curve. Cultivate a mission by learning, loving, or serving. Better yet, do all three of these to maximize the pleasure, satisfaction, and meaning you have from the one life you will ever have to live. It is never too late to have a ball in life if you have the right attitude.
Reference
Ellis, A., & Dryden, W. (2007). The practice of rational emotive behavior therapy. Springer Publishing.