Most people will agree that patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue because life works out on its schedule, not ours. Good things take time and effort to come to fruition. Human nature finds it challenging to display patience while exerting effort until all the conditions for a favored outcome occur. Adding to the discomfort is the uncertainty that a favorable outcome may never happen despite sustained effort and waiting. Losing hope in life is understandable but self-defeating.
When humans wait and endure the discomfort of not having what they want, they naturally experience the impulse to disturb themselves. Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, taught that humans naturally desire certain things to occur and for other things not to happen. It is human nature to have different degrees of desire for various things we want. I refer to this as our hierarchy of desire. Humans quickly transform their strongest desires at the upper end of their hierarchy of desire into demands, creating an emotional disturbance when these desires go unfulfilled. Hopelessness can result when time passes, and people conclude, “I am never going to get what I want.”
REBT teaches people a disciplined strategy for de-escalating rigid demands into highly valued wishes, helping them move from unhealthy impatience and hopelessness to healthy patience and hopefulness. The de-escalation process involves identifying one’s desires and the attached demands and examining the available evidence, functional utility, and logic of the self-defeating reasoning that the wish-for condition must occur. Examining and dismantling one’s demandingness to achieve a healthy emotional state of tolerance and hopefulness is challenging. Let’s examine the process as it applies to finding a job, establishing a satisfying long-term relationship, becoming pregnant, and mastering a coveted skill. People generally want to achieve these goals and easily disturb themselves when these favorable outcomes are not forthcoming.
Unfulfilled Desire: Seeking a Well-Paying, Fulfilling Job
Being out of work or employed in a job one does not care for are challenging circumstances for humans. We need money to survive, and when we are fortunate to have a job, we usually spend a lot of time each week working, so laboring at an unrewarding or inadequate paying job is quite a burdensome condition people wish to alleviate. It is easy for humans to go from wanting a rewarding, well-paying job to demanding finding one on their schedule. Furthermore, the longer you find yourself in this dispreferred condition, the more likely you will think, “By now, I (absolutely) should have found the satisfying, well-paying job I am looking for. Poor me, I cannot tolerate this search for a better job any longer.”
Unfulfilled Desire: Obtaining a Satisfying Long-Term Relationship
It can be challenging to bear failing to establish a satisfying long-term relationship. People will experience various unhealthy emotions, from bitterness and anger to hopelessness and despair, when short-term romantic connections do not mature into long-term stable relationships. The longer this unfulfilled desire persists, the more likely the individual will think, “Men and women (or members of the same sex) are not meant to get along in intimate relationships, or at least I am not. By now, I (absolutely) should have found what I am looking for.”
Unfulfilled Desire: Becoming Pregnant
Many women and men desire to become pregnant and start a family. When this desirable state of affairs does not come about, women and their partners can easily disturb themselves by thinking, “I want to become pregnant and have my ownchild, and this must occur. I cannot accept the inability to have my own biological child. Other women are able to bear their own child, I too, absolutely should be able to have this pleasure.”
Unfulfilled Desire: Becoming Proficient in a Skill
Humans derive pleasure from mastering skills. Whether hitting a golf ball, playing the piano, or becoming fluent in a foreign language, mastering a skill can be a very slow and challenging journey, accompanied by anger and despair, leading to quitting. Consider a golfer throwing a golf club angrily after hitting a bad drive that goes wide of the flag he was aiming at. This angry golfer likely thinks, “Given how much I have practiced, I (absolutely) should not hit such bad drives. I cannot bear doing so poorly. By now I (absolutely) should have mastered this game.”
Life Works Out on Its Time Schedule at Its Price, Not Ours
REBT teaches people to strive for unconditional life acceptance. Rigid and extreme attitudes about failing to achieve a desired goal by a particular time prevent continued effort, creative problem-solving, and acceptance. Let’s examine REBT’s robust definition of acceptance.
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, acceptance means acknowledging that adversity can be exceptionally unfortunate and challenging while also recognizing things could be worse. It involves the understanding that, unfortunately, the conditions leading to adversity are in place even when they are not understood or cannot be specified. REBT’s form of acceptance entails evaluating the situation as unfavorable or even exceptionally unfortunate, yet it is one you can endure. It also includes a commitment to improve or change the circumstances to the best of your ability, especially when they are significant to you, even if success is uncertain. Moreover, it involves a commitment to enjoy life while working towards positive changes. Lastly, it means finding a way to experience happiness by exploring alternative paths when you cannot improve the problematic circumstances.
Let us revisit healthy attitudes for each of the four adversities specified above with REBT’s definition in mind.
Unfulfilled Desire: Seeking a Well-Paying, Fulfilling Job
I wish I had found a well-paying, fulfilling job by now, but sadly, I have not. Unfortunately, my efforts have not yielded the desired results, but I will review my strategy, improve it, and continue an ongoing search. Finding a fulfilling job does not have to be easy or occur on my timetable. Too bad. I will control what I can control, which is my attitude and effort, and accept that favorable results will sooner or later occur on the timetable fate has in store for me. When that fine day arrives, I will celebrate, but till then, I will remain strong and hopeful. Life takes time. I will do what I can to help the hand of fate.
Unfulfilled Desire: Obtaining a Satisfying Long-Term Relationship
I am sad that despite my best efforts, I have not been able to achieve a satisfying long-term relationship. It does not mean that it has to happen by now. I wish this had occurred, but unfortunately, life yields its rewards on its terms and timetable, not mine. I will keep myself in a healthy state of mind so that I do not push people away, but I will also commit to enjoying my life despite the acknowledgment I wish I had found what I am looking for by now. I will unconditionally accept myself and others who reject me. I will resist the urge to put the opposite sex or myself down for my failing to achieve the kind of satisfying long-term relationship I am looking for. Humans are fundamentally social animals, and if I keep myself physically fit and emotionally healthy, I stand the best chance of obtaining a satisfying long-term relationship when the conditions are right for it to occur. Life takes time. Too bad.
Unfulfilled Desire: Becoming Pregnant
I strongly want to become pregnant and start a family. Having difficulty doing this is very unfortunate, but it is not true that I have to get pregnant and start a family. It is hard to accept that this difficulty may continue, and in the end, I will discover I cannot bear a child. If this unfortunate outcome were to occur, it would not be unbearable. If, in the end, I were unable to have a child of my own, it would be extremely sad, but worse things could happen to me and my husband. We could ultimately recover from this great disappointment and accept what we do not like and then entertain options like finding a surrogate mother or adopting a child. Regardless of my ultimate fate, I will assume that, at least for now, I can get pregnant, and we will continue to try to start a family. Despite the great expense involved, perhaps it will be prudent for me to seek a fertility specialist to help this process along. It is essential that I do not define myself by my ability to give birth to a child, and it is critical that I see that I can have some degree of happiness even if my strongest desire to have my biological child does not occur.
Unfulfilled Desire: Becoming Proficient in a Skill
Every skill has a price, and I will accept that this skill’s cost is very high. I wish it were not so challenging to become proficient in this skill, but sadly, it is. Too bad. Mastering this skill does not have to be easy. I will do better if I do not disturb myself about the learning curve and steadily practice the skill. Mastery takes time, and I either accept this fact of life or quit. I will disturb myself and quit by demanding that I acquire the skill quickly and easily. Skill mastery is as much a psychological game as a physical one. Slow but steady wins the race. Practice makes better. Keep at it.
Conclusion
REBT is a distinct form of cognitive behavior therapy that is particularly helpful when life is rough or your worst nightmare occurs, and in the end, your efforts do not bear fruit. It helps you face adversity, acknowledge your pain, and then have the strength and persistence to do what you can to help yourself. Its theory of emotion is a sensible one. Feeling down, hopeless, and angry is human nature when highly desired goals are unfulfilled. REBT shows you how to discipline your mind to change what you can change within yourself to keep trying to obtain a cherished goal until the conditions are right for it to come about. Life takes time and effort, and there is always the chance that, in the end, you will not achieve the outcome you so desire. REBT will help you have the mindset to experience emotions that will enable you to work at your long-term goal patiently, have some happiness while you are working towards it, and emotionally survive the worst-case scenario. Using REBT is not particularly easy, but this is not a failure of REBT. Life is challenging and will test our patience; it happens on its terms and timetable, not ours. Keep at your long-term goals by using REBT’s flexible and non-extreme mindset!