Utopias do not exist. You had better heed the message of REBT on this one. REBT acknowledges that you prefer life to be a particular way, but it teaches you to strive to change what you dislike and accept those aspects of life that you cannot change. Learn to seek evidence to support a healthy, flexible stance toward life as it is. REBT is scientific thinking and encourages you to adopt realistic attitudes while trying to improve things. You never have to give up trying to achieve your goals but also accept the evidence that life does not have to be as you want it to be. A rational attitude is a realistic attitude. It works in the real world. The observable evidence supports a rational attitude. Rational attitudes produce functional emotions and behaviors. The evidence shows that certain attitudes work best to help you achieve your goals and values. REBT defines those attitudes that work in the real world as rational attitudes. Rational attitudes achieve the proper balance between action to produce good long-term results while also considering short-term costs. However, acknowledge that it is impossible to engineer a utopia, a world without costs, or one where you can get everything you want. Demand a perfect existence, and you will experience rage and despair. REBT advocates for unconditional life acceptance. Realistic attitudes enable such life acceptance.
The Nature of Life
Life is not static but a complex process of changing conditions. Everything changes. Sometimes we can discern the change, while at other times, we cannot, but the change is occurring nonetheless.
Life is complex. Moments in time involve favorable and unfavorable moments, but life is neither categorically good nor all bad. Instead, it is a complex process changing from one moment to the next. Things are coming into being, evolving, dying, ending, and new things emerge. Some things are relatively good, while others are relatively bad. But due to the complexity and changeability of life, good can come from bad. Keep that in mind when facing challenging times. It will help you unconditionally accept life as you strive to change aspects of life that you find unfavorable.
How to Adjust to Life
Adjustment to life involves holding flexible, scientific ideas that correspond to the process of life. REBT teaches that those ideas that do not correspond to what is going on tend to lead to emotional disturbance. Let’s examine a few unrealistic ideas that lead to emotional disturbance, also known in REBT parlance as self-defeating, unhealthy negative emotions.
Life must be easy.
Life must be predictable.
Life must be fair.
Life must not include pain.
Life must not have tradeoffs.
Things must remain permanently good and not transition to times of exceptional difficulty.
Look for Evidence – Checkout What is Going On
REBT encourages you to look for evidence to challenge your attitudes toward life. Seeking evidence is the scientific outlook. The scientist will ask, “Where is the evidence that life must be easy and fair, not include pain, not include difficult tradeoffs, and remain static?” When you cannot find evidence for your rigid and extreme attitudes that underpin your emotional disturbance, it is best to push yourself to change those ideas to conform with the available evidence. Let’s examine the above ideas more closely.
Where is the evidence that life must be easy?
There are many worthwhile goals in life that you will only achieve slowly and with great effort. There is a great deal of evidence for this. Athletes train for years to master a sport. Education takes time and effort. Building a business most often takes place over time with considerable sacrifice. More often than not, the evidence clearly shows that you will need more time and effort to achieve your goals than you wish. Too bad. Accept life as it is, where struggle and effort are the norms, not the exception for all of us.
Where is the evidence that life must be predictable?
Unconditional life acceptance involves accepting the lack of certainty in life. Expect the unexpected. Certainty is an illusion, whereas probability is all that exists. The weather forecast says there is a high probability of sunshine on a given day, but rain unexpectedly occurs. The tenacious underdog defeats the team with the better record surpassing the odds. We did not expect this low-probability event. Investments don’t pan out, and people lose money. REBT teaches you to accept that although we wish for certainty, only probability exists. Life does not have to be predictable. Accept life as it is, a world with only probability. Also, practice calling to mind when unexpected favorable events occur. There are good surprises that occur in life too. Life does not have to be predictable.
Where is the evidence that life must be fair?
Unconditional life acceptance acknowledges our desire that life be fair but does not idealistically demand it. REBT acknowledges the unfairness of life and encourages you to choose a healthy emotional reaction toward it. Sadly, one baby is born to loving parents but dies due to a genetic defect shortly after birth. In contrast, another is born healthy and with loving parents who create an environment that allows it to flourish and actualize its potential. It is hard to level the playing field of life. Designing a utopian world of complete fairness may do more harm than good and is unlikely to occur. REBT encourages us to accept whatever unfairness exists in our lives and strive to achieve our goals despite it. REBT encourages us to take responsibility for overcoming unfairness rather than demand others to make things fair. Ellis taught, “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”
Where is the evidence that life must not include pain?
Unconditional acceptance of life includes seeing that pain in life is inevitable. It would be great if pain and discomfort did not exist. It would be lovely if we could not feel uncomfortable or pain when we strive for goals, lose, fail, etc. The evidence shows that pain is part of life. If we love, we feel pain. If we have an unmet desire, we will feel pain from deprivation. REBT philosophy teaches that if we accept life as it is, we avoid suffering, which is different from pain. An idealistic, rigid, and antiscientific attitude that pain must not be part of life leads to emotional suffering (emotional disturbance). Keep your wish that pain be absent in life but avoid creating suffering by demanding a painless existence.
Where is the evidence that life must not have tradeoffs?
Unconditionally accepting life means acknowledging the inevitable tradeoffs of life. There appear to be few choices where no disadvantage is associated with the better choice. Seek the better choice, not the perfect choice. REBT teaches us to accept that perfection in life does not exist. When we demand perfect choices, we do not unconditionally accept life and create emotional disturbance with the tradeoffs our choices present us.
Where is the evidence that things must remain permanently good or that life must not get tough?
The evidence shows that conditions change. After we address one negative state of affairs and achieve a favorable state, another adversity eventually occurs. Life is a never-ending stream of favorable states followed by unfavorable conditions. That is, one adversity after another occurs. Mother used to tell me, “When it rains, it sometimes pours. Accept this.” The evidence shows that tough times occur for all of us. Work on relinquishing the attitude that life must stay good and never become tough. Illness, death, failure, betrayal, and loss are all part of life. We all face these challenges. Strive to unconditionally accept life as it is with its good and bad periods. Hold a realistic attitude supporting a stance of unconditional life acceptance that life is in flux.
The Serenity Prayer Revisited
I will attempt to change what I can and unconditionally accept myself, others, and life. People and life are a mix of good, bad, and neutral parts in constant evolution. I will avoid disturbing myself by holding realistic attitudes and updating them as things change.