In working with my patients over the past week, one aspect of the COVID-19 crisis that appears to be challenging to many is the open-ended nature of the quarantine period. People report that it would be easier if they knew precisely when life would resume as they once knew it. Furthermore, the anticipation of an uncomfortable financial crisis lurking on the other side of the quarantine period adds a secondary challenge. Many people are making themselves very anxious.
Let us use Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy to address these two matters. Below you will find self-defeating attitudes which will undermine your effort to stay indoors, remain relaxed, and continue to practice good hand hygiene. From the REBT point of view, your emotional goal is to feel displeased, regretful, and perhaps sorrowful now for whatever inconveniences and losses you have already experienced. Furthermore, it is healthy for you to choose genuine concern, not anxiety, for what lies ahead. These are adaptive emotions in so far as they help you to acknowledge the present inconvenience or loss you are experiencing as well as recognizing the future difficulty or discomfort you may encounter in the future.
Self-defeating Attitude: “I have to know when things will return to normal.”
Adaptive Attitude: “Does this attitude help me cope with the ambiguity surrounding the duration of the quarantine? No. What attitude would help me cope with the uncertainty surrounding the end date of the quarantine? I want to know when the quarantine will end, but I do not have to know. Coping with this indefinite period requires flexibility. I can live with this uncertainty, no matter how much I may dislike it. I will keep my wish to know, but avoid demanding to know when the quarantine will end. Having a wish or a healthy desire to know will enable me not to drive myself unsane while things are unclear.”
Self-defeating Attitude: “I have to know what life will look like after the COVID-19 crisis.”
Adaptive Attitude: “What is the consequence of holding this attitude? The result is anxious rumination. I want to know how much pain there will be to face but do not have to know. Upsetting myself now makes me suffer now. I will accept there will be financial loss, and that is the way it is. It is the case that since the beginning of time, there have been famines, natural disasters, and other calamities to face. People lived through the World Wars and the Great Depression, so there is no reason to doubt somehow, I can get through the future pain. I will take one day at a time and prepare for the worse with confidence I can bear more than I may want to endure. I have no choice but to experience what the future holds, so let me not add to the burden.”
Self-defeating Attitude: “I cannot bear the open-ended quarantine.”
Adaptive Attitude: “It is uncomfortable to face an indefinite quarantine period, but it is not unbearable. I can bear the uncertainty of not knowing when day to day life returns to something close to normal if it ever does. It is worth tolerating this uncertainty because there is no alternative. The question is whether I disturb myself about the open-ended nature of this quarantine or whether I bear this period of my life well. I am stronger than I assume. I commit to taking the uncertainty well.”
Self-Defeating Attitude: “I cannot bear to remain inside my apartment. I cannot bear to continue to wash my hands so much. I cannot take it anymore!”
Adaptive Attitude: “Stop it, you are upsetting yourself about having to be indoors. You can stand it. Take a deep breath and think about what you are telling yourself. Is it true you cannot bear staying indoors any longer or is that an exaggeration? People survive in war-torn countries for years and bear it. You could have it far worse. You have many of your creature comforts and it is useful to acknowledge this. If you think this is unbearable try having a ventilator crammed down your windpipe for a couple weeks and see if you think staying indoors and frequently washing your hands is unbearable. Ventilators are very, very uncomfortable yet people live on them and then go on and sometimes have to live with post ventilator problems like memory problems. Yes it is hard to stay indoors for so long but far from unbearable. Get creative about staying indoors. Pretend you are an astronaut, cope by looking at photo albums, use the phone that you pay your hard-earned money for and get creative to ‘escape’ the confines of your apartment. Listen to relaxation audios and escape through imagery. (Click here to go to my Guided Relaxation audios.) Staying indoors is hard but far from unbearable. Keep reminding yourself you can stand it, and it is worth doing because being on a ventilator is much harder. COVID-19 prevention is a serious business. Acknowledge that you can bear far more than you imagine you can. Whining will never make carrying a heavy burden easier.
Self-defeating Attitude: “This is awful.”
Adaptive Attitude: “This chapter of life is bad, but it is NOT awful. Things could be far worse. Ellis argued that ‘Just about anything you think is awful will feel awful to you. Whatever we strongly think or believe we tend to feel.’ This philosophy makes a good deal of sense. Think back to other very challenging times in your life. At that time, you thought it was so bad that things could not get any worse. You lived through those tough times, and now you face another. You can choose to stubbornly refuse to be brought to your knees by this pandemic. Keep reminding yourself, this is very bad, not awful, and it shall be so.”
Self-defeating Attitude: “Things must go back to the way they were before this pandemic started.”
Adaptive Attitude: “I want things to go back to the way they were before this pandemic started, but they do not have to do so. I will accept that life is constant change, whether I like it or not. I will learn to bend to reality as it evolves and not demand that life be as I want it to be.”
Philosophy matters, and a tough-minded philosophy can make all the difference in adapting to this chapter of your life. REBT philosophy cannot prevent discomfort and pain, inconvenience, financial loss, uncertainty, or death, but it can help you not lose your mind when the going gets tough. The attitudes I am suggesting require practice as it is natural to fatigue and start to complain and upset yourself the longer this pandemic drags out. Keep practicing these attitudes as they will pay you dividends and may even help you save your life! REBT is a philosophy of compassion. It is compassionate for you to help yourself in a time of crisis. Do what is difficult. Keep your wishes and wants, but realize you can bear what lies ahead. Keep reminding yourself of that.