Movies and paintings depict families in an idyllic way at this time of the year. Brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandparents and cousins gather around a warm fireplace and enjoy food and drink merrily. People joyfully sing songs and exchange gifts as snow falls outside, creating a picturesque landscape. Everyone is paired off happily with their significant other while healthy children joyfully run about in this festive scene. However, for some, the reality of holiday gatherings does not quite live up to this idyllic depiction.
The holiday season in December can be a challenging, stressful time of the year. It can be painful to go home and spend time with family. Past conflicts and power struggles with our family members set the stage for tension, anxiety, and unhealthy anger. Remembering loved ones who have died, such as parents, grandparents, and siblings can resurrect unhealthy sadness and depression. Some unmarried and divorced people may experience a painful feeling of loneliness and isolation in the presence of family and friends. A couple who has trouble conceiving a child of their own may find watching one’s young nieces and nephews open gifts a painful experience. Another year of the pandemic only makes the usual challenges of the holiday season more difficult. Add in the disinhibition of alcohol, and tempers can flare. In a matter of seconds, a lovely holiday party can turn into an ugly, meanspirited, shouting match. What could have been a time to reconnect and strengthen emotional bonds turns into another opportunity to wish the holidays had never arrived.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) aims to help you have healthy emotional reactions to people and life’s challenges. Many of my weekly sessions involve assisting people in avoiding or recovering in healthy ways from arguments and power struggles with other people. REBT aims to teach people how to use philosophical ideas and a self-directed process of emotional self-correction. Four core ideas of REBT relevant to today’s topic are the principle of emotional responsibility, unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance. Below you will find a series of rigid and extreme attitudes that will put you at risk for unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior when gathering with family at seasonal gatherings. In REBT, we call the self-correction process disputing your rigid and extreme attitudes.
Look over the list, identify and study any that apply to you and make you vulnerable to emotional upset. Try to appreciate how I first question the rigid and extreme attitudes and use this question to reformulate the mindset into a healthy, flexible, non-extreme attitude. The healthy attitudes I generate yield better results and help you avoid the unhealthy negative emotions and arguments that can turn a joyful gathering into one you wish you had not attended and would rather forget.
Rigid attitude: My brother or sister absolutely should not attempt to put me down while conversing in group conversations.
Self-helping question: Will this attitude help me cope with their put-downs? If so, how or how not?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This attitude won’t help me as it will lead me to anger myself. My siblings tend to rate people partly because they do not know REBT and downing me in conversation helps them feel good about themselves. I wish my brother and sister did not attempt to put me down in group conversations but sadly, they do because they are emotionally disturbed. I can ignore and not reinforce them. I do not have to anger myself over their neurosis and unhealthy envy.
Rigid attitude: My mother and father absolutely should not treat me like I am still a child.
Self-helping question: Is there evidence that supports this attitude? Show it to me.
Healthy, flexible attitude: There is no evidence that my parents must not treat me as a child. I wish my mother and father would not treat me like I still was a child, but sadly they do. They do not have to, and I cannot make them see me as an adult. That they do not see me as an adult says as much or more about them and their emotional vulnerabilities than it says about me and my life and achievements. They do not have to see as an adult and treat me as one. I can be disappointed and not disturb myself about their archaic mindset. I can enjoy them even if they live in the past. Some day they will not be here for me to enjoy. Enjoy the good and ignore the bad of being with them.
Rigid attitude: Because I have known these people all my life, I absolutely should have more in common with my family and enjoy being with them.
Self-helping question: Does it logically follow that simply knowing someone for a long time makes it sensible to conclude that you will have a good deal in common with that person?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Even if I have known someone all my life, it does not logically follow to conclude I will have a great deal in common with that person. I wish I had more in common with my family and enjoyed being with them, but unfortunately, I have very little in common with them and do not enjoy being with them. The holidays come once a year, and I can endure their predictable and stale conversation. I do not have to depress myself over having family members who are very different from me.
Rigid attitude: I absolutely should have a family that demonstrates their love and respect for me.
Self-helping question: What evidence supports this claim?
Healthy, flexible attitude: There is no evidence to support the stance that I absolutely should have a family that demonstrates their love and respect for me. There is evidence that refutes this idealistic view. I wish they would show that they love and respect me, but they demonstrate just the opposite more often than not. They do not absolutely have to show their love and respect, although I would greatly appreciate it.
Rigid attitude: Because I am their son and brother, my parents and siblings absolutely should show greater interest in what is occurring in my life.
Self-helping question: Is this an absolute fact or just an idealistic idea?
Healthy, flexible attitude: It is an idealistic idea that because I am their son and brother, my parents and siblings absolutely should and must show greater interest in what is occurring in my life. It does not absolutely have to be the case that they show interest in what is happening in my life. Both their level of education and life experience is very different from mine, and it is unrealistic to demand that they have an interest in my life. It would be a more stimulating dinner conversation if they were interested in my life, but sadly, they are not. I can unconditionally accept them and go along with the uninteresting discussion. There are only a few holidays each year where I put up with this. Do not make it more of a struggle than it already is.
Rigid attitude: I miss my deceased grandparents, parents, and siblings. They absolutely should be here with us during the holidays.
Self-helping question: What would a wise person tell you about the attitude I am holding?
Healthy and flexible attitude: A wise person might acknowledge that it is healthy to miss deceased grandparents, parents, and siblings, but they would caution me about not accepting reality by thinking that the people we love absolutely must be with us forever. Would it not be great if the deceased were able to visit once a year for dinner on this day? It would be lovely, but that fantasy does not have to be the case. Loved ones die, and I can unconditionally accept that all lives end. Sooner or later, all loved ones will depart. Savor both the memory of those not with you and enjoy those still with you. Take what the Stoics called the view from above when you experience the urge to anger yourself over something “insulting” people say to you during the gathering. Is an argument at a holiday dinner something I want to have with another family member today?
Rigid and extreme attitude: By now, I absolutely should have found the love of my life. I cannot stand attending this holiday gathering alone without someone I love by my side.
Self-helping question: Would I encourage my son or daughter to hold this attitude? Why or why not?
Healthy and flexible attitude: I would certainly not encourage my son or daughter to hold this attitude; therefore, I will not have this attitude. There are several reasons to reformulate my self-defeating attitude. Life takes time, and good things do not always happen in our timeframe. Thinking as I currently do will make it harder to avoid bitterness in life, undermining connecting with someone to love when I encounter them. It will also make attending holiday gatherings difficult and ensure that I do not enjoy the family gathering. It might also encourage me to think of myself as an inadequate person, which will make for suffering and might undermine my ability to connect with someone to love. Instead of thinking along these self-defeating lines, I will keep a healthy desire for love but not demand that I find love on my timetable. I will strive to acknowledge my desire for a romantic partner while still choosing to have some happiness despite this unfulfilled part of my life.
Rigid and extreme attitudes: Like my siblings, I absolutely should be happily married by now. I am lesser as a person for not being happily married.
Self-helping question: Where is the evidence I should be married by now? Why is it invalid to devalue me simply because I am not happily married like my siblings?
Healthy, flexible attitude: There is no evidence supporting the idea there is an absolute timeframe for marriage. Marriage is a legal contract, a formal union, and often has value for those wishing to have children. It is an arbitrary way of thinking to associate my worth as a human with my marital status. Not having found a person to marry and live with happily, as my siblings have, does not make me lesser as a person by this point in my life. I am indeed deprived of the advantages of this union, assuming we speak of a happy marriage. However, I am also not bound by its disadvantages. Remember that all arrangements in life have their advantages and disadvantages. I can choose to accept myself and not use this simplistic way of thinking to reason that I am inadequate as a person. I do not have to marry to accept myself unconditionally.
Rigid and extreme attitudes: Life is so unfair. My partner and I absolutely should be blessed with a child to love like my siblings.
Self-helping question: Does this attitude yield good results? What unhealthy feelings does it produce?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This attitude does not yield good results. The rigidity of this attitude leads me to go beyond feeling sad and disappointed. Instead, it is associated with unhealthy depression and possibly unhealthy envy. I wish we had a child to love like my siblings, but sadly we have not yet. This blessing does not have to occur. Once I accept that life is unfair, we can problem-solve and either find another way to become parents or live happily not being parents and enjoy the advantages of being child-free. Every path in life has its advantages and disadvantages, and rigid attitudes block me from seeing the benefits of not having the responsibility of raising a child.
Rigid and extreme attitudes: My child absolutely should not have died so young and be here with us now. Life is totally bad once you have lost a child.
Self-helping question: Does my attitude towards the tragic loss of my child help me cope with this loss? Does it prevent me from moving on from this loss and undermine my ability to enjoy life despite this tragic loss?
Healthy, flexible, non-extreme attitude: Any parent who loses a child will feel tremendous sadness. My life would be so much better if my child were here with us now. I will transcend this loss by acknowledging that my pain can only exist because, at one time, I had great pleasure in being the parent of my child. If I had not experienced this pleasure, I would not now have this pain. It is tough to focus on the joy I once had with my child, but striving to do this will help me transcend this tragic loss. By transcending this loss, I will enjoy my life to some extent and see that my life remains a mix of good, bad, and neutral parts despite this significant loss. I commit to honoring my child’s memory by remembering the joy of their life and continuing to have some happiness in life, and moving on from this great adversity.
Extreme attitude: Things are not the same without my parents. Given all the great memories of holidays gone by with them, I cannot bear the holidays without them.
Self-helping question: Although things are not the same without my parents, what good comes from holding the attitude that I cannot bear the holidays without them?
Healthy, flexible, non-extreme attitude: I wish my parents were here to enjoy the holidays with me. Sadly they cannot be here. I have many happy memories of holidays gone by with them. They do not absolutely have to be with me now. It is hard to bear going through the holidays without them, but it is not unbearable. I can stand it. I am willing to accept this struggle because they are no longer here with me, and I cannot bring those days back into the present. That was then, and this is now. I commit to having some happiness without them to enjoy the holiday season.
Extreme attitude: My husband is enjoying the holidays with his new wife while I am alone at this party. He and that woman ruined my life. The holidays can never be the same.
Self-helping question: Will this attitude yield good results? How so or how not?
Healthy, non-extreme attitude: My ex-husband and his new wife may or may not enjoy the holidays together while I am alone at this party. Dwelling on them will not help me move on and live life to the fullest. I may not have the relationship I once had, but it does not have to ruin my life. The nature of life is that relationships end. The nature of life is that we never absolutely have to have what we want. Divorce is a challenge for me to rise to and accept but not necessarily an impossible one. All the conditions were in place for that relationship to end, and I will cope better if I unconditionally accept myself, unconditionally accept him, and unconditionally accept life. It is in my best interest to do this. Depressing myself and making myself bitter will not help me one bit. The holidays will be different but not necessarily without any joy. If I am to experience joy, it is up to me to set the stage for it to occur.
Extreme attitude: I cannot bear my sister going on about how wonderful her life is. I absolutely should have what she has.
Self-helping question: Show me the evidence that I cannot bear my sister going on and on about her incredible life? Show me the proof that I absolutely should have what she has.
Healthy, non-extreme attitude: It is annoying to listen to my sister go on and on about how wonderful her life is, but the evidence shows it is not unbearable. Indeed, I wouldn’t say I like listening to her. It is worth not arguing with her because I want to enjoy the other people at this gathering who I rarely see, so I will put up with her and ignore her boasting. I wish I had the good things she possesses, but life is not fair, and therefore I do not have to have what she has. I will count my blessings as I have more than others, and I will not create unhealthy envy while listening to her boasting.
Extreme attitude: I cannot bear my brother always complaining about how bad his life is. He absolutely should realize how good he has it.
Self-helping question: Is it true that I cannot bear my brother always complaining about how bad his life is? Although he would do better if he realized how good he has it, must he stop whining and see this?
Non-extreme attitude: It is hard to listen to my brother complain about how bad his life is. Listening to him is not unbearable. It is worth listening to him as holidays come once a year, and all things considered, arguing will not change him. He would be better off realizing how good he has it, but he does not have to do so. I will have a better time if I change, tune out his whining, and focus on conversing with those more interesting to chat with and bear.
Extreme attitude: I cannot bear when Dad and Mom start getting drunk at this annual party. How embarrassing.
Self-helping question: It is disappointing that Dad and Mom drink too much at these holiday parties but not unbearable. I do not have to shame myself over their behavior. If they become that obnoxious, I can choose not to anger myself and leave the party. Sadly, they drink too much, but I can unconditionally accept them but not let them ruin my holiday. Their behavior proves they are fallible, not that I am lesser and have no reason to down myself.
Rigid attitude: Because my daughter decided to go with her husband’s family, that means I am a lesser person. She absolutely should not be with them and pick his family over ours.
Self-helping question: Will this way of thinking about myself in response to my daughter’s decision to spend the holidays with her husband’s family yield good results? What results will it yield?
Healthy, flexible, and non-extreme attitude: Thinking this way will get me angry, depressed, and full of unhealthy envy, which will not enable me to enjoy the holidays with my other friends and family. I wish my daughter had decided to be with my husband and me, but sadly she has not. Even if I did something to influence this decision which I wish I had not done, it does not make me a lesser person. My actions and hers prove we are fallible humans, not lesser humans. Families evolve, and it is better if I change what I can change and accept what I cannot. I can unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally accept my daughter and her decision to spend the holidays with her husband’s side of the family and acknowledge my wish but not demand that she had made a different decision. With my healthy disappointment and healthy envy, I can act in a mature way that could favorably influence her choices in the future. These healthy emotions can help me make the best of an unfavorable situation and strive to have a joyous holiday with those I am with this holiday season. For example, I am with my husband, who started this family with me, and there is no reason we cannot enjoy the holidays with each other’s company. One day one will be without the other during the holidays, and I will wish I made the most of it with him despite my daughter not being with me. I can choose a healthy attitude and look at the glass as half full or half empty, and I preferably should focus on who will be with me instead of who will not be.
Rigid attitude: I need my deceased husband to enjoy this holiday. Life is not worth living without him by my side.
Self-helping question: I miss my deceased husband as I enjoyed his company very much. I wish he were here during this holiday, but very sadly, he is not. Our loved ones pass, and even though we miss them greatly, it does not mean they have to be with us and live on forever. I do not want to go beyond healthy sadness as that will not serve me well. What will help me well is to acknowledge the good fortune I had while he was alive, not down myself for those times I may have taken him for granted as doing so proves I am a fallible human. What will serve me well is to unconditionally accept life and then focus on the good part of life. Life is a mix of happy, neutral, and sad moments. I can focus on the past happy moments. With this healthy stance of acceptance, I can strive to engage with people still with me and work to make the best of a challenging holiday season. Does it help me to depress myself about things I cannot change? How can I be open to joyous opportunities with people still alive or available to me? I am never too old to love and be loved if I unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally accept life as it is not as I want it to be.
Summary and Conclusions
The holiday season can be emotionally challenging. It can be an opportunity to reconnect with friends and family. Unfortunately, it can also be an opportunity to relive old power struggles, re-experience put-downs, and engage in unhealthy responses to our family members. Family interpersonal history often repeats itself when family members fail to achieve emotional growth over the years as they age. Assume that your family does not know REBT and could be inclined to upset themselves as you interact with them at family gatherings. Prepare in advance for the challenge you face. Commit to not getting hooked into old argumentative interpersonal clashes. If you remember some of the core ideas of REBT, you can avoid arguments and unhealthy reactions that can undermine the purpose of family gatherings. Start with REBT’s principle of emotional responsibility. Regardless of the neurotic interactions you may encounter, commit to responding healthily to your family. Be realistic and acknowledge you cannot change or control other people, but you can change and control yourself and how you react to them. Work on you and your attitude towards your difficult family members. In the spirit of the holidays, work on unconditional other-acceptance and choose not to anger yourself when they act obnoxiously. Also, work on unconditional self-acceptance and do not rate and devalue yourself when you see how in some ways, you are not achieving in life as well as your siblings are. Competition with family is not the path to enjoyable, healthy relationships. Check your ego at the door. Doing so will enable you to have healthy envy and learn from them and identify what might help you get more of what you want in life. Also strive to unconditionally accept life. Accept that life is not fair, easy, and ideal. Accept life as it is. Then you will be better able to make adaptations that alleviate self-inflicted emotional suffering and increase the chances you will have some happiness despite the losses you have endured, the neurosis you encounter in your family, and the neurosis that lives within you. With this approach, you can make the most of life and enjoy the holiday gatherings to some extent, even if it is difficult. Merry coping!