In REBT, we encourage people to eliminate self-created emotional upset by cultivating self-acceptance and other acceptance. We promote unconditional acceptance of all humans while critically evaluating the deeds which they carry out. The goal is to judge what people do but never to overgeneralize and rate the total person. Directing judgment this way helps us avoid unproductive, self-defeating feelings like unhealthy anger directed toward ourselves and others.
I will first cover the mistake of not accepting ourselves unconditionally. Humans are inclined to demand something of themselves and then to rate themselves lesser as a person when they cannot achieve whatever it is that they require of themselves. Some of us will demand that we perform well in our careers, while others will demand to be thin and “beautiful.” Some of us will insist that we refrain from making foolish errors. The different conditional requirements of self-acceptance humans place on themselves vary greatly and are consistent with their personal goals and values. To think in an absolutistic way about what we do and the characteristics we possess is folly. Despite all our significant achievements collectively and individually, humans remain born mistake makers, emotionally disturbable, fallible beings in a state of change that cannot achieve perfection. The malicious deeds humans sometimes do are often proportional to their degree of emotional disturbance. By asserting that all humans are emotionally disturbed and fallible to a greater or lesser extent, REBT is not attempting to minimize responsibility for immoral behavior. Still, it advocates a realistic and humanistic point of view. REBT teaches that always being mindful of this aspect of our existence is wise. We all will fail, lose, error, and misbehave in one way or another until the day we die. We always have the option of accepting ourselves unconditionally when we fail, make mistakes, and misbehave. Doing so has many advantages. As we learn to accept ourselves unconditionally, we will be in a better mindset to work on improving our performance and the mistakes we commonly make. Unconditional self-acceptance helps us remain responsible for our misbehavior, face its consequences, and remain emotionally healthy enough to do what is required to improve our actions and judgments in the future.
The second mistake we make is trying to change, transform, or control other people. People expend much time and energy trying to change family members, friends, and colleagues; when they fail, they anger themselves and depress themselves. Trying to change or control another person is like attempting to change the weather. You will fail miserably. The best we can do is adapt to the climate. When it comes to people, we can assert ourselves, ask them to act differently, and also attempt to incentivize them to do things as we want to see them done. If we accept that we cannot change other people, just like we cannot change the weather, we will attain and maintain our emotional health. With REBT’s healthy and flexible attitudes, you have a much better chance of changing how you respond to what people do rather than attempting to “change” them.
Make a Commitment to Change You Not Them
Commit today to taking two crucial steps towards improved emotional well-being. First, unconditionally accept yourself with your weaknesses, limitations, and errors. Keep working at improvement but appreciate that you will always remain flawed. Do not use your human fallibility as an excuse because you remain responsible for the consequences of your actions. If you break laws, human fallibility is no defense. If you hurt other people, these people may stop relating to you even if you cite your human fallibility as the root of your misbehavior. Second, unconditionally accept others as fallible humans and stop trying to change them. Accept you cannot change the weather, and you cannot change other people. Fortunately, with regular practice of REBT’s healthy attitudes, you can make a change within yourself. Change what you can about yourself. Start with unconditional self-acceptance. As a close second step, work on unconditionally accepting others so that you have healthy negative emotions about their misbehavior, enabling you to assert yourself in healthy ways with them.