Can't vs. Won't and Self-Motivation with REBT

REBT is a therapy, a system of interlocking ideas, a philosophy to help people cope with life’s challenges and maximize pleasure while minimizing pain. In my work, teaching people to use REBT to address something they are avoiding doing, which implicitly or explicitly will be good for them to do, I bring up the issue of whether their avoidance is a matter of being unable to do something or unwilling to do something. I have noticed that people often say, “I can’t do that…” but usually are unaware that what is closer to the truth is that they actually mean, “I won’t do that!”

The Philosophy of I Can’t When Applied to Doing What Is Good

From the REBT perspective, at the core of self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions are rigid and extreme attitudes. The attitudes that lie at the core of the I can’t philosophy are:

It is too hard to do this. I can’t muster the effort to do this. I don’t have it in me. I know I could pay a steep price in the end if I do not do this, but I will try not to think of the steep price I very well could pay and focus on how I do not have the ability or energy to do what is best in the long run right now. I may do it later. I will permit myself not to do what is best for me. I will let myself off the hook.

The Philosophy of I Won’t When Applied to Doing What is Good

From the REBT perspective, at the core of self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions are rigid and extreme attitudes leading to short-term hedonism. The attitudes that lie at the core of the I won’t philosophy are:

It is hard to do this, and I could push myself to do it, but I choose not to. My attitude is that it is too hard. However, I acknowledge that this choice is imprudent. Furthermore, I recognize that it is not too hard but merely very hard, and I own my choice not to do it. I know the risk, but I accept myself with my short-term decision-making. I choose not to do what is best in the long run and take my chances.

The Philosophy of I Will Do What is Good Despite Not Feeling Inclined

From the REBT perspective, at the core of emotional health and self-disciplined emotional and behavioral reactions are flexible and non-extreme attitudes leading to long-term hedonism. The attitudes that lie at the core of the I will do it philosophy are:

I do not want to do what is best for me now, but I will do it. I will exert the effort even though it is hard for me. It is not unbearable to do it right now. I can do it, and I elect to do it. In the past, I have done many other things I did not want to do, and after they were behind me, I was happy I exerted the effort to do them. There is no reason I cannot protect myself and my long-term interests again by adopting a mature attitude towards life. Doing this is worth it in the long run. It will most likely maximize my pleasure and minimize my pain.

Concluding Remarks – Take the First Step and Be Honest with Yourself

It would be best not to condemn yourself when you choose not to do the better thing. Do not use the REBT idea that you are a fallible human who can unconditionally accept yourself to excuse what you could do now. Choosing to do the better thing can be hard, but it is not impossible if you discipline your mind to think clearly and use REBT. Remember the distinction between Can’t and Won’t. More often than not, it is a matter of electing not to do the better thing because it requires effort rather than being unable to do the better thing. The first step in self-control and self-discipline is to acknowledge your choice not to do something you could do if you pushed yourself while keeping in mind that it was well worth doing. Keep at it!