Can’t Change or Won’t Change – That is the Question
As soon as you say and really believe, ‘I can’t change,’ you’ll make it impossible for you to do so. When you strongly say that you can’t, you won’t try too hard to change, will find ways to sabotage yourself – and then you actually won’t change. Indeed, we can say that you then have made yourself unable to change. Not necessarily because you really can’t, but because you believe you can’t that’s the unkindest cut – self-cut – of all!”
– Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
An aspect of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT\cbt) that is powerfully liberating is the distinction between believing one cannot change and seeing that one will not change. Ellis argued that it is part of our biology to seek comfort and this biologically based inclination leads to what he called discomfort disturbance. Patients often report that they cannot change. They report previous therapy efforts that have failed, previous medications that have failed, and jump to the conclusion that change is impossible. Often this is their discomfort disturbance talking and trying to make it a believable case that the person is unable to change. What often is the case is that they have been unwilling to pay the price of change, namely having the willingness to do what is uncomfortable and sustain effort over time. Think about the person who wants to lose weight quickly and painlessly. The diet industry has been capitalizing on our wish for quick and easy weight loss solutions for years.
I take aim at this self-limiting stance and teach the REBT distinction between concluding you can’t change and how it is more likely that you are choosing not to work at change. Previous attempts at therapy only prove that a person has failed to change, not that they cannot change. Although there may be plenty of evidence that a person has not changed up to this point in time, there is no evidence that a person cannot change. It is better to assume that humans can change, but often will sit on their bottoms and complain they cannot change. Convincing ourselves that we cannot do something is quite easy. It takes little effort to conclude we cannot change. REBT challenges you to question this assumption. Where is the definitive evidence you cannot change? What might happen if you took more personal responsibility for your life and your attitudes towards the obstacles of your life? Might the outcome be different? How does your human desire for easy, effortless change bias your view on your capacity to change? What harm is there is in assuming you can change but that up to this point in time it has been a matter of consistent effort and good instruction on how to change?
Using REBT theory and philosophy, I offer people sensible ideas about change. REBT points out that people have two competing tendencies. One to defeat themselves and one to help themselves. Changing comes from the tendency we have as humans to help ourselves. REBT points out that as a human you can think, and most importantly think about your thinking and assumptions. You can evaluate your thinking and determine if it is flawed and self-limiting. When we appreciate how our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are different sides of the same internal experience we can change how we feel and behave by changing our thinking. We can assume responsibility for the attitudes we hold. REBT shows you how to question your thinking, examine how useful and scientific it is, and how to create useful attitudes for getting more of what you want and less of what you do not want. In REBT we define a rational attitude as one that works to help you get more of what you want in the real world. Therefore, choose the attitude that change is possible, but acknowledge that it takes three things. First, it takes a good, no-nonsense, scientific theory of change such as REBT. Next, it takes effort, a good deal of it over your lifetime. The third ingredient of change involves practice at change. You are a well-practiced fallible human who easily trips yourself up in life. You have practiced many times throughout your lifetime angering yourself, depressing yourself, making yourself feel inadequate. To change a particular self-defeating behavior or emotional state, it takes work and practice to unlearn and then re-learn a better way of responding. Work at it. Assume it can occur even if it is not easy. Study REBT theory and strategies and confront yourself. Is it the case you cannot change or won’t do what it takes to change? That is the question.
Attitude to Rehearse: Change is uncomfortable not unbearable or impossible. I can and will do what it takes to change as this is important to me and I want it badly.