Do you have an ego problem? The honest answer to this question is probably a resounding yes if you are human. The Oxford English Language dictionary defines ego as a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Whether they realize it or not, most people value themselves based on some trait or traits they possess or something they do and do well. Others have low self-esteem because they lack an essential quality or set of characteristics or do poorly in an area of life they value, such as school, work, sports, love, or friendship. Most people and psychotherapists think the solution to achieving emotional well-being is to develop high or at least adequate self-esteem. In my view, and the view of REBT theory, this view is unhealthy and self-defeating.
I view our egos as a mindset that puts us in an invisible, self-created cage. Our egos are the products of our attitudes towards what we value. Our egos will keep us from adventuring and living life to the fullest. Our egos cause us to waste our time pursuing things that are not personally important but socially approved, not opening our minds to critical feedback from others, and even leading us to commit acts of violence. Men have fought over insults, territory, and women, to name just a few stupid reasons to attack another for an ego insult. Women are also prone to ego-motivated antisocial behavior and bully, ridicule, or exclude others to establish themselves in a relatively high position in the ego pecking order of a group. Neither sex is immune to ego-defensiveness and ego-based striving. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy shows people how to open the door of their ego cages and liberate themselves. Doing so allows people to live more fully in pursuit of pleasure rather than living life to prove themselves adequate, worthwhile, or better than others.
Albert Ellis argued that we were born and reared to think crookedly. Humans can think and reason elegantly but often do not because it is our nature sometimes to think illogically and erroneously and because others encourage us to do so. One goal of REBT is to show people how to abolish their ego, leave their self-imposed ego cage, and live a happier and more comfortable life while acknowledging their strengths and weaknesses. REBT helps people discipline their minds to rate or evaluate what they do and objectively conclude whether their thoughts, feelings, and acts are “good” and self-helping or “bad” and self-harming. If we fail to evaluate what we do accurately, we would be more likely to repeat decisions and actions that lead to poor results and not learn from these experiences. Likewise, without evaluating what actions and decisions lead to good results, we would also not come to know what seems to work in our world to produce the results we want. We would be inclined not to repeat those that have desirable results.
REBT theory teaches that humans are prone to transform thoughts of what they value into rigid attitudes. This human tendency to think rigidly sets us up to devalue our total selves when we fall short of our goals. Instead of merely being disappointed or sad that we did not achieve our aims, we feel depressed, ashamed, jealous, and envious. We suffer and spend time compensating for our inadequacy or withdrawing in defeat.
The first step in leaving your ego cage is to become aware of the rigid and extreme attitudes that put you in your ego cage. The best way to raise your awareness of these unhealthy attitudes is to monitor your feelings and behavioral reactions. Be on the lookout for when you feel shame after doing poorly or have anxiety about the possibility of doing poorly in the future. A red flag of a bruised ego is a defensive response when given negative feedback from others. Also, keep an eye out for feelings of unhealthy envy for another person or when you act upon feelings of unhealthy jealousy. These reactions suggest your ego is likely involved in your responses. Ego-based attitudes also underpin flashes of unhealthy anger and feeling insulted, where you think someone has diminished your self-esteem or put you down. Finally, when you put others down as people, this would suggest you are rating them and you as people, not merely rating what they have done.
Let’s look at some unhealthy, rigid attitudes that lead to ego-based strivings and unhealthy negative feelings when we fail. Below are examples of ego-based attitudes and healthy alternative attitudes that will free you from your ego cage.
Ego-based attitude: Human value can be accurately determined.
Ego-freeing attitude: This is invalid reasoning. Humans are alive and error-prone, unique, complex, and in a state of flux. Because of their complex array of traits and their state of flux, it is impossible to estimate their objective value. Furthermore, any definition of a “good” human would be subjective and debatable. Humans can value their decisions, actions, feelings, and behavior based on the results these things produce for them and others. Others, too, can value what other people do, but an estimation of the value of a person would be subjective. Rating what humans do has a value from the standpoint a person learns from this evaluation and can repeat what works or add upon that and perhaps do even better in the future. Humans are, therefore, unratable as humans.
Ego-based attitude: I have to do well. When I fail to do well in important areas of life, that proves I am lesser, inadequate, or worthless.
Ego-freeing attitude: I want to do well but do not have to do well in an absolute sense. I can accept myself when I do well and when I do poorly and strive to learn from what I do poorly to do better next time and achieve my goals. When I fail to do well in important areas of life, this proves I am a fallible human, not a lesser, inadequate, or worthless human.
Ego-based attitude: I have to possess certain desirable traits. If I lack those coveted traits, that proves I am lesser, inadequate, or worthless.
Ego-freeing attitude: I want to possess certain desirable traits but do not (absolutely) have to have these desirable traits. If I lack those coveted traits, that does not prove I am lesser, inadequate, or worthless but is evidence I am an imperfect human. I can acknowledge the qualities I wish I possessed while also unconditionally accepting myself as I am.
Ego-based attitude: I need the love and approval of significant others (such as my parents, friends, and colleagues) to accept myself.
Ego-freeing attitude: I like having the love and approval of significant others like my family, friends, and colleagues, but I do not need, have to have this love and acceptance to accept myself. When they love and approve of me, they may give me certain things, but even those benefits I do not (absolutely) have to have. When I base my self-acceptance on the love and approval of others, my emotional well-being is at their mercy. I do not want other people to determine how I think about myself and the emotions I subsequently have when they disapprove of me.
Ego-based attitude: I must maintain my standing in the eyes of others or myself, or else that means I have lost my worth or am not as good as I once was.
Ego-freeing attitude: There may be a practical advantage to maintaining my standing in the eyes of others, but I will not invalidly link how others think of me to my intrinsic value. I want to be in charge of my emotions. I can accept myself even when my standing in the eyes of others changes. When I link what others think of me to my intrinsic worth, that would yield conditional self-worth and put me on an emotional rollercoaster because my popularity with others is beyond my control. People can reject me for subjective or whimsical reasons, and I do not want to become their emotional puppet.
Ego-based attitude: I must not err in public or show deficient performance. When I do, this makes it evident to everyone I am inadequate.
Ego-freeing attitude: I do not want to err in public or show deficient performance, but I may do this occasionally. There is no reason this public display of poor performance must not happen. When it happens, whether or not others put me down, a valid conclusion is that I have performed poorly this time, not that I am inadequate through and through. I can unconditionally accept myself, analyze my behavior and learn from my poor performance. Doing so will help me do better in the future.
Ego-based attitude: As I age and degrade, I lose human value. My highly valued characteristics and functions define my human value. I have to maintain my most valued attributes. I have to continue to play the different roles I play in life well.
Ego-freeing attitude: As I age, parts of me will degrade, but I will not lose human value. I want to maintain my most valued characteristics but will not and do not (absolutely) have to do so. I hope to continue to play the different roles I play in life well, but I may not and do not (absolutely) have to do so. My highly valued characteristics and functions do not define my human value. To reason that my qualities and the adequacy with which I play my many roles determine my human value is definitional, not really provable or falsifiable.
Ego-based attitude: I must defend my honor and respond to your insult. It is awful for another person to dishonor me in front of others.
Ego-freeing attitude: I never have to defend my honor or respond to an insult. I never have to take others and what they think of me too seriously. When I have unconditional self-acceptance, I may disprefer acts of public dishonor shown to me, but such actions are never awful. I can make myself impervious to insults by abolishing my ego.
Ego-based attitude: You must not put me down. I cannot tolerate that.
Ego-freeing attitude: I’m not fond of it when others put me down as a person, but it is not intolerable. I cannot control others and do not have to respond in kind and put them down. People will think and do as they wish, and I never have to take them too seriously.
The Importance of Ego-Free Actions
Once you have become aware of your unhealthy ego-based attitudes, you can begin to work on changing them, giving them up, and replacing them with ego-freeing attitudes. Freeing yourself of your ego-based attitudes will not be easy because you have practiced your ego-based ideas for years and because of your biological tendency to demand good performance and then down yourself for not displaying good performance. Do not despair. You can give up your ego-based attitudes and free yourself from your ego cage. The best way to do this is to live in harmony with these healthy attitudes. Strive to take action based on your new attitudes. Choose to live shamelessly. You will develop conviction in these new attitudes by living in harmony with ego-free attitudes, taking calculated risks, and risking failure. Strive to do what you want, not what earns you social status. Refuse to upset yourself when another person attempts to insult you. Be open to critical feedback and refuse to down yourself when you receive it from others. Profit from the accurate feedback so you learn to do better in the future. Only by taking action not based on ego motivations will you begin to internalize healthy ego-freeing attitudes and free yourself from your ego cage. Only you can deconstruct your ego cage and liberate yourself. Then you will be capable of living your life to enjoy yourself and not prove yourself.