As Thanksgiving approaches it is important to work on holding rational attitudes towards family members. While working with patients all day long I am struck by the fact that roughly 90% of the problems people seek help with is their emotional reactions to other people. People seem to almost endlessly “disturb themselves” over the things others do and say. Disrespect is a very common theme in these discussions. As you gather around the Thanksgiving table with family it might be wise to check at the door your rigid and extreme attitudes as to how family “absolutely should” treat you. Your family members do not have to be nice, respectful, self-aware, and as you wish they would be. Instead of being bitter and hurt when you perceive a slight see this as an opportunity to practice your REBTStoic Philosophy. Remind yourself that people really do not have to be as you want them to be. The universe permits even our family to treat us poorly and to disappoint us. If you lower your expectations and accept family members as they are you may very well be flexible and less fragile in your relationship with them. I think it is sad when family members argue or enter into the silent treatment of cold war. You do have other emotional and philosophical options. You can focus on what you can control instead of demanding and commanding that others be as you think they should be. Focus on your attitudes and philosophy concerning your family. Keep your wishes but see that your wishes do not have to be fulfilled. This will enable you to bend which is far better than being bitter. This will enable you also to retain your sense of humor. Then you can sit at the Thanksgiving table and have a “good” time even if there are annoying relatives seated to your left and to your right.
Rational Philosophy to Rehearse: I very much want my family to treat me as I ideally imagine they could treat me BUT they do not have to treat me in this ideal way. They are fallible humans and rather than condemning them I will strive to accept them warts and all. I will put my effort into controlling me and my reaction to them instead of controlling them. Bending is better than bitter!