Dr. Walter J. Matweychuk – Avoiding Language Traps Which Lead to Unhealthy Emotions
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), we teach and encourage you to think clearly and rationally about what you do, what others do, and what goes on in life. REBT shows you that rational, scientific thinking leads to healthy emotional functioning and adapting to reality as it is. REBT advocates the precise use of language, which reflects how life is, not how we ideally want it to be. Using language that is consistent with reality will help you to experience healthy negative emotions when reality deviates from an ideal you create in your mind. When we use the ubiquitous verb to be, we tend to overgeneralize. Overgeneralizations are not consistent with the facts. Therefore, REBT advocates that you strive to avoid such overgeneralizations as such imprecise reasoning sets the stage for unhealthy emotions like depression, unhealthy anger, shame, and guilt. The verb, to be, encourages dichotomous thinking. When we think “I am good,” we falsely create two categories of people, good and bad. In reality people exist and they do good things and bad things. Good and bad people are mythical beings and false to the facts. To experience emotional well-being, REBT recommends that you make an effort to monitor your language and discipline your thinking. Take note when you are representing reality in a dichotomous way by employing the verb to be. Using this verb may very well lead to unhealthy semantic reactions, misrepresentations of fact, and emotional disturbance.
Compare the following italicized sentences:
Unhealthy Thinking Using False Dichotomies
I lost the game for my team. I am a loser.
(The use of the verb to be may very well lead to the unhealthy feeling of depression. This view suggests two categories, the winner’s category, and the loser’s category. Thinking “I am a loser” indicates that you lose all the time, an overgeneralized perspective.)
Healthy Thinking Without Mythical Categories
Yes, I lost the game, but that does not make me a loser. I lost this game, the end of the story. I do not know how well I will do tomorrow.
(If you do not use the verb, to be, you will feel appropriately sad about losing the game, not depressed about you, the person who experienced the loss. You do not overgeneralize as you focus on only this game and do not create the false dichotomy of winners and losers.)
Unhealthy Thinking Using False Dichotomies
I did a bad thing. I am bad.
(The verb to be may very well produce the unhealthy feeling of depression or self-directed unhealthy anger, or guilt. This attitude suggests two categories of beings, the good and the bad. It leads you to think you possess a corrupt essence. It implies that all you do is bad, which the facts do not support. It also implies everything you ever will do will be bad, a supposition that is unlikely to be supported by future facts.)
Healthy Thinking Without Mythical Categories
I did a bad thing, but that does not make me a bad person. I did a bad act. How can I make amends? How can I learn from my actions?
(Without the verb to be you feel remorse about your misbehavior not guilty and not inclined to condemn yourself for your wrong actions. You focus on what you did, a single bad thing. You do not overgeneralize about your essence. You do not place your essence into a corrupt category. Categories of people, good and evil, do not exist. People do good and bad things.)
Unhealthy Thinking Using False Dichotomies
You are a traitor.
(The verb to be will likely lead you to the self-defeating feeling of unhealthy anger at the person. Your language forces you to think of the world as consisting of two types of people, traitors, and non-traitors. You overgeneralize and take an act of betrayal as representative of everything the person does and confuse an act with the whole person.)
Healthy Thinking Without Mythical Categories
Yes, you betrayed me, but that does not make you a traitor. Perhaps in the future, I will be disinclined to trust you because you betrayed me. However, since you also have sometimes acted in a trustworthy way towards me, I will take this into account if you try to restore my trust.
(Without the verb to be you feel healthy anger or disappointment with the act of betrayal, not the person who did the betrayal. Your attitude focuses on what the person did this one time and does not lump them into false to the facts categories of traitors and non-traitors.)
Unhealthy Thinking Using False Dichotomies
You treated me in a mean way. You are unkind.
(The verb to be will likely lead to the self-defeating feeling of unhealthy anger or hurt. Representing reality this way forces you to place those who are kind into one category, and those who are unkind, into a second category. You think of the person as wholly cruel.)
Healthy Thinking Without False Categories
You treated me in a mean way, but that does not mean you are unkind. You acted unkindly towards me. In other instances, you treated me kindly. I will take all your behavior into account.
(Without the verb to be you feel disappointed about the harsh treatment you received, not hurt or unhealthy anger with the person who acted unkindly. You focus on an instance of unkind behavior rather than overgeneralize. You do not make a statement about the essence of the individual who exhibited the inconsiderate behavior.)
Unhealthy Thinking Using False Dichotomies
I have tried everything. Solving the problem is a hopeless endeavor.
(The verb to be likely created within you the unhealthy feeling of depression. You make a prediction, an extrapolation from the past effort you have made, that is unfounded on fact. You suggest a static condition rather than hold open the possibility of change and resolution of the problem in time with more effort.)
Healthy Thinking Without False Categories
Thus far, I have failed to find a solution to the problem. I will keep trying some novel approach rather than keep with the old approach expecting a different outcome. I know what does not work with this problem but may discover in time what does work to solve this problem.
(Without the verb to be, you feel concerned about the failure to find a solution. You tend to avoid depression and hopelessness with the state of affairs that continues to exist for now. You do not overgeneralize from what exists now to what will always be. You suggest that change is possible and that a solution could occur with further examination of the problem.)
Summary and Conclusions
When we use the verb to be, we not only overgeneralize but likely feel unhealthy negative emotions and act in self-defeating ways. We split the world up into false to the facts, mythical categories. Reality is in a state of change; people evolve and do things and display inconsistent behavior. Thinking without groups of winners\losers, achievers\failures but along a continuum maps more closely to reality. Doing so produces healthier emotional reactions. REBT teaches that negative feelings in life are inevitable when we do not get what we want. Even if you remove the verb to be from your language, you will still feel negative emotions like sadness and sorrow, concern, and disappointment. However, if you begin to become aware of how you speak, how you represent reality and strive to eliminate the use of the verb to be, you will feel emotional benefits and improved problem-solving and creativity. REBT encourages you to discipline your mind. You can cultivate such discipline, but it takes work and practice.
Bottom line: The verb to be may have only two letters in it, but its use will lead to language traps with unhealthy emotional consequences. Speaker beware!