I listened to a thought-provoking podcast about solitude while walking to my office on a cold Saturday morning at 6:45 AM. Increasing solitude has become a common aspect of people’s lives. Americans have reduced face-to-face socializing by 20%. (This trend may also apply outside the United States, but I cannot say for sure.) We are voluntarily increasing our isolation, believing this is best for us. I suspect that technology has contributed to reduced face-to-face socializing time. We engage in communication devoid of paralinguistic cues through texting, a quick and easy communication method. We mindlessly scroll to see what people do with their lives instead of calling them to inquire. We avoid using the powerful technology we do have and avoid scheduling Zoom visits with our friends. We could see their faces, hear their voices, and reconnect emotionally during these Zoom visits. When we see the face and hear another person’s voice, we can access more emotional information, enhancing the interaction’s impact on both parties. Sadly, we conclude that we are too busy to take time for frivolous voice calling or, better still, face-to-face social interaction. We predict we will be happier in solitude than if we bother to interrupt the lives of our friends and family.
Research Shows We Are Making the Wrong Assumptions
University of Chicago psychologist and researcher Nicholas Epley’s research shows that people are wrong about two things. People are generally wrong about the positive impact on happiness levels, even brief social interactions will have on them, and wrong about others’ willingness to engage. Humans underestimate others’ interest in conversation. His research has revealed a paradox. Although reciprocity is a powerful social norm, where research has shown people respond positively to one making a statement conveying kindness and interest in brief engagement with the other, whether on the street, on the train, or over the phone, we, too often fail to make such reinforcing communications.
Furthermore, we do not meet for coffee or dinner with friends like we once did. The restaurant industry has shifted from a dining industry into a takeout and delivery industry, with 74% of traffic in 2023 being takeout. This growing isolation stands in contrast to a bygone era; I remember getting into the car and visiting my uncles and aunts unannounced on a Sunday afternoon as a child. Sometimes, we may have called ahead at the last minute, but whether we did or not, we were always welcome to visit our relatives’ homes and did so! The adults chatted in the living room while the kids socialized with their cousins in the basement. Then, the hosting family would often serve a snack or small meal. My Sundays as a young child were usually spent interacting with others in face-to-face conversations and play.
Mistakenly Seeking Solitude
It is worth repeating that Epley’s research has reliably found that people often underestimate the positive impact of social interactions, even with strangers. Epley rightly points out that humans are fundamentally social beings yet paradoxically frequently choose isolation. This paradox is evident in daily life, where people avoid social interactions despite research showing that they generally are a major contributor to happiness. His fascinating experiments on trains and buses in cities like Chicago and London show consistent results. The reluctance to engage in conversations is often due to the assumption that the other person will not respond well to an overture of friendly communication. Humans generally underestimate others’ interest in conversation. His research shows that strangers respond positively to kindness and that exchanging a brief pleasantry has a reliable positive impact on both parties. Also, deeper conversations that sometimes ensue can be surprisingly powerful and positive, even among strangers. Often, in some situations, like when two people are commuting on a train, the initial statement made by one person to the other, such as “I love the hat you are wearing,” can lead to a conversation that consistently improves the satisfaction of both parties. In other words, people are happier when they engage socially, even with strangers, despite often choosing solitude.
My Experiment
In the middle of the 35-minute walk to my office on Park Avenue in New York City, I decided to take Epley’s research and, at 7:00 AM, put it to the test. I decided to enthusiastically proclaim to every stranger or small group of strangers I saw on the street a few simple statements. One was, “Have a great day. I hope you have a day full of pleasant surprises!” or simply, “Have a wonderful day!” both said enthusiastically with a friendly smile and often a simple wave of my hand. I aimed to see what this would do to my mood and my unsuspecting subject, the stranger on the street, the native New Yorker, or the unsuspecting visiting tourist.
My Results
The results of my study confirmed Epley’s research findings. These twenty exceedingly brief interactions with random strangers whose paths crossed mine did two things. I felt happier and more energetic upon reaching my office than when I started the experiment, and nearly everyone I enthusiastically greeted and said, “Have a great day. I hope you have a pleasant surprise later today” smiled and said something like, “And you too have a nice day.” Some people did not respond and ignored me, but far fewer than I anticipated. There were no obvious noticeable differences in the responses regardless of the apparent gender of the other person, with one exception. Younger women and men seemed more reserved in their responses, but not all were. Since it was too cold to take out paper and keep a rough score, even younger women and men, more often than not, responded favorably despite some perhaps being suspicious of my motives. I doubt it was an age differential because some older people also ignored my gesture. However, the point is this. Generally speaking, considerably more people responded to my friendly gesture positively and with recognition.
On my return walk home that day, I redid the experiment. This time, I enthusiastically said, “Have great evening. I hope you have a pleasant surprise this evening.” Again, the results were highly favorable. I felt good, and my unsuspecting fellow New Yorkers responded favorably more often than chose to ignore me completely. I also noticed that I was less impacted by the cold temperatures, and the 35-minute walk home seemed to go by faster in the cold, dark evening.
I have replicated this informal study of human behavior on a Monday morning walk to my office, with roughly the same results. My informal studies produce the same results as Epley’s controlled research.
I Had to Battle the Fear to Say Hello to Strangers
Psychologists teach that anxiety thrives in avoidance and dies in approach. I initially had to push myself to overcome the default reluctance to avoid making eye contact with strangers and enthusiastically wishing them a pleasant day full of good surprises or pleasant events. Sadly, as Epley’s research data shows, we are reluctant to say hello to strangers and sometimes are downright fearful. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy can help with this reluctance and fear. I used it to overcome my reluctance to do this experiment. REBT teaches that we do not need the approval of others. I thought, “Let them be suspicious of my motives, I do not need their approval to wish them well.” REBT also teaches that if something is worth doing, it is worth bearing the discomfort of doing. The experiment was worth doing, and practicing what I preach and not fearing the loss of approval of others are things I value. My life experience and work as a psychologist have shown me that people underestimate the discomfort they can bear in pursuing worthwhile aims. In my simple experiment, I pushed myself to go out of my comfort zone, risk rejection, and say hello to people even though a part of me, say 20% of me, wanted to hold back from saying, “Have a great day. I hope you have a pleasant surprise later today.”
REBT Helps You When You are Ignored and Rejected
REBT also helped me with those instances where people completely ignored me or tried to feign, ignoring me. I was shameless in the face of their not acknowledging my harmless greeting. I was disappointed because I quickly grew to want them to smile in return, noting how good it felt to get a smile and a few words in return, but my attitude was, “I want them to accept and return my greeting, but they do not have to do so. I will accept myself with or without their acceptance, even if they are suspicious of my motives or think I am strange.”
I recommend you get out of your comfort zone and start making for a more pleasant emotional experience by doing the following assignments:
Happiness assignment one: Happiness is partly about the frequency of positive events, not the intensity of positive events. Replicate the experiment I did. Try saying hello and making a pleasant statement to a stranger or small groups of strangers. Use REBT to do this by reminding yourself that you can bear the discomfort of the awkward moment when you get out of your comfort zone, that you do not need permission to say something nice to another person, and that you can accept yourself regardless of how strangers respond to your overture of kind engagement. See what happens. Assume your effort will be worth it. See what happens!
Happiness assignment two: Stop texting and call your friend. Better yet, schedule a Zoom visit or visit them in person. Tell yourself the effort is worth it and that solitude is a prison. See how hearing their voice and seeing their face impacts your feelings and mood. See what happens!
Final Thoughts and Summary
Turn positive social behaviors into habits, like greeting people regularly, to improve daily life. Happiness is partly about the frequency of positive events, not the intensity of positive events. Use REBT to help you do this. Remind yourself of a few simple ideas:
- People are fundamentally social beings. Not always, but way more often than not, they will respond to your innocent, pleasant statement with a smile or a positive statement in return. You will feel good each time this happens. Open your mind to Epley’s research. A meaningful conversation may ensue if you are with that person for any length beyond just a moment passing on the street. A friendship may result. Assume that you can never have too many friends in a challenging world like ours. You never know what is just around the bend in life.
- Your mood and energy level will improve quickly. Why not tap into this wellspring of good feelings derived without drugs or coffee?
- Even if this is uncomfortable, remind yourself that it is not unbearable and is worth doing most of the time because we all want to bump up our level of happiness a little. You do not have to do this compulsively, but try to use it to increase your baseline level of happiness and joy.
- Remember that you do not need others’ approval, and you have a right to leave your comfort zone and wish them a good day and a pleasant surprise later in the day. Research shows that you both will be better off for your act of engagement.
- Never harass, but do not be afraid to converse. Research shows that you and the other person will feel happier for your effort to break through the solitude we are all likely to experience in our modern lives. Take advantage of your time with strangers in elevators, trains, buses, and airplanes. Please do not turn a good thing into a bad thing and overdo it. Trust in Epley’s research. If you try to break the silence and engage with a stranger and the other person conveys they want to be left alone, take comfort in your effort to reduce your isolation and their right to remain in their solitude. But don’t give up too quickly. One or maybe two overtures do not constitute harassment.
- Remember, whether you or they appreciate it, we are fundamentally social creatures and were not meant to isolate ourselves in self-imposed prisons.
I strongly suggest you listen to the specific episode of the podcast I reference in this article, go here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/plain-english-with-derek-thompson/id1594471023?i=1000683455955