Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy is rooted in philosophy. Due to its philosophical foundation, REBT can help you to cope with the grimmest of adversity, including one’s death and the deaths of one’s loved ones and friends.
Emotionally Prepare Yourself to Die Well Before Death Approaches
The Buddhists and the Stoics encouraged people to prepare themselves emotionally well before the hour of their death. They suggested thinking about death daily to get the most out of life. You may not want to acknowledge that you will one day face death. Nevertheless, it is prudent to prepare for your unique experience with death. Death is an inevitable occurrence for everyone. It is only the hour and the details of your death that remain uncertain. In getting emotionally prepared for the approach of death, you will free yourself from unhealthy emotions and thereby improve your chances of living life fully and confidently while you have good health. Your emotional preparation will serve you exceptionally well after you have received a diagnosis of a fatal illness.
Death as An Opportunity for Emotional Growth
REBT teaches that death is an adversity that does not dictate your emotional response. It certainly contributes to your emotional reaction, but your attitude towards death, dying, leaving your loved ones, and any unfinished business in your life play a far more significant role in the quality of your emotional experience before you receive a fatal diagnosis. Dying is an opportunity to experience healthy sorrow and concern, which are achievable using the flexible and non-extreme attitudes endorsed by the REBT philosophy. Death offers the opportunity for emotional growth if you commit yourself to personal growth until you cease to exist. You can do this if you commit to it.
REBT teaches that flexible and non-extreme attitudes allow individuals to accept what they cannot change. Rigid and extreme attitudes are antithetical to accepting what cannot be changed. REBT teaches that humans can think flexibly and inflexibly, although often, the latter is easier for them to do. It is admittedly more challenging to think flexibly, scientifically, and adaptively about life’s most difficult aspects, such as death. Still, nevertheless, it is possible with practice and commitment.
Flexible and Non-Extreme Attitudes Towards Death
Humans generally wish to live despite the hassles and problems we face. Young people probably do not reflect on their limited lifespan and likely are not motivated to think profoundly and prepare themselves to face death. However, as we age and see death and illness as a nearing threat or are diagnosed with a fatal illness, we become highly motivated to either deny and avoid thinking about death or highly motivated to prepare ourselves. It is better to acknowledge that death is approaching and to prepare for it emotionally rather than attempt to engage in denial of approaching death. To effectively prepare, we had better work on holding onto our healthy REBT-endorsed attitudes, which we have applied to countless other adversities previously encountered. Acknowledge that you may quickly transform your wish to live into a rigid demand to live. Doing so will lead you to feel anxiety, panic, anger, and despair. Alternatively, as REBT teaches you to do, you can choose to adopt, refine, and maintain a flexible and non-extreme philosophical stance towards living and thereby set the stage for genuine acceptance to flourish in the face of death.
REBT teaches that flexible and non-extreme attitudes towards unchangeable adversity allow three forms of unconditional acceptance to flourish. These are unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance. All three forms of acceptance are helpful when facing death. Note that REBT teaches unconditional acceptance, not conditional acceptance. Conditional acceptance will not help you. It will lead to anxiety, anger, guilt and despair. Unconditional acceptance will lead to concern, sorrow, disappointment, and remorse. All of these are healthy emotions that will enable you to die well, that is, face death in a healthy emotional state. Facing death with a healthy emotional stance can be done. It takes preparation; the sooner you prepare and practice, the better you will live. You need not fear death nor be emotionally devasted by it. REBT will help you do this.
Step #1 – Cultivate Unconditional Self-Acceptance While Acknowledging How You Could Have Lived and Loved Better
Start with unconditional self-acceptance. You may wish you had done many things differently and treated others better. However, choose not to convert that wish into an absolute demand. What you did, you did, acknowledge and accept this. You were born a fallible, screwed-up human, and the good, bad, and ugly behaviors of your life are evidence that you were a fallible human, not a bad human. You can acknowledge your misdeeds, express sincere regret, and ask for forgiveness from those you transgressed or could have treated better. However, accept yourself unconditionally with or without the acceptance of significant others. Unconditional self-acceptance is your human right, and if there is ever a time to exercise that right, your approaching death is that time. Choosing unqualified self-acceptance does not mean that the younger people reading this can go and conduct misdeeds with the knowledge that they can choose to accept themselves at any time despite having done these acts. REBT is a philosophy of personal and social responsibility. The potential for unconditional self-acceptance now or on your deathbed does not give you a license to mistreat others. Mistreating people will lead to remorse for having made certain transgressions; therefore, this healthy negative feeling will reduce your quality of life. Strive to treat others as you wish they treat you, and thereby avoid the opportunity to feel healthy negative feelings like remorse for mistreating people.
Here are some healthy attitudes for facilitating unconditional self-acceptance:
1. I wish I had done many things differently, but sadly, I did not do what would have been better. I did not have to do better, accomplish more, work harder, live kindly and honestly, or waste less time. Unfortunately, my human fallibility was such that I did what I did and failed to do what I failed to do. Now, I will accept myself while acknowledging and remembering what I could have done differently and presumably better.
2. Unconditional self-acceptance is my right to choose. I was born a mistakemaker, and I will go to my grave as such. I did some excellent, many neutral, and some bad things. I want the highest quality of life till the moment of my last breath, and it is up to me to set the stage for this to occur. Unconditional self-acceptance is the foundation of this quest.
3. Only I can give myself unconditional self-acceptance. It is a choice I make, a right I have, and a compassionate act. I commit to accepting myself despite acknowledging everything I could have done better. I recognize I could have treated certain people better at different points. It is too bad I do not get a do-over, so I will choose to accept myself, warts and all unconditionally.
Step #2 – Cultivate Unconditional Life-Acceptance While Acknowledging What Better Things Could Have Been A Part of Your Life
Work on cultivating a profound sense of unconditional life acceptance. See that your life was a mix of good, neutral, and bad events. Keep the wishes you once had and still may have for life. Acknowledge that failing to achieve your wishes will only lead to healthy feelings of sadness, sorrow, concern, and disappointment. None of us had to have some or most of the preferred experiences we once tried to have or still long to have had. Unconditional life acceptance means giving up the idea that things in your life had to be as you wanted. Keep questioning any inclination you may have to think your life had to go according to your blueprint. Life is unfair, and everyone wants something. The facts are that what happened in your life had to happen because that is how events unfolded. It might have been better if things had gone differently, but they did not have to follow the plan you wished would have occurred. You will be better able to accept your approaching death if you keep your wishes and avoid transmuting them into rigid attitudes. You can do this, but it may take work. Do not shy away from doing this work. You can choose functional, flexible, and adaptive attitudes until your last breath. Strive to do so.
Here are a few sample ideas you might use to cultivate unconditional life-acceptance:
1. I wish I were not dying, but sadly, I am. It’s too bad I did not get a chance to experience all the positive experiences and love I wish I had. There are always positive experiences that could have been. Do not make your death harder by thinking that things absolutely had to be better in your life. They did not have to unfold any better than they did. Counting your blessings might help, rather than focusing on what joys you failed to experience.
2. I will acknowledge the concern I have for the discomfort or pain I may feel as death approaches. To minimize discomfort or pain as much as possible, I will request high-quality palliative care. Death will cease the discomfort, so the pain and discomfort will be time-limited. Remember this blessing of death. I want to be comfortable, but I can bear discomfort and pain until it is relieved by death. That will occur. Stay strong.
3. I liked living, and therefore, it is unfortunate to die, but death is as natural as birth. Before I was born, there was an eternity during which I did not exist. During that time, there was no pain, suffering, or inconvenience. I lived briefly and did not have to live any longer than nature allowed. I will accept that I will not exist for an eternity and do not have to fear this or depress myself with this knowledge. I do not have to disturb myself that I will cease to exist for eternity. No pain or suffering for eternity at the expense of living is a tolerable tradeoff when reasoned about sensibly. You can think this way if you work at it.
4. I will find it very difficult to bid farewell to my loved ones and friends, but this will not be impossible for me to do. If I do not think, “I must not have to bid them farewell” or “I cannot bear to bid them farewell,” I will not suffer from unhealthy despair or anxiety. I will focus on the good fortune I had to have these people, however many or few they were. I will accept that I had their love and friendship and savor that memory as I transition into nonexistence. I can do it; I will do it, and I commit to doing it as disturbing myself about that which I cannot change will not serve me well in death, just as it did not serve me well in life.
Step #3 – Cultivate Unconditional Other-Acceptance Despite Acknowledging How Others Could Have Treated You Better or Mistreated You
Now that you are approaching your final chapter of life, it is time to let go of any unhealthy hurt and anger you hold towards family, friends, and all others. Just as you have taken advantage of your right to be fallible, fully acknowledge the right others have to be fallible and let go of any absolute shoulds, oughts, and musts you still may hold towards them. It is well time you make peace with others and allow them time to make peace with you. What happened between you and them had to happen. Yes, things could have been different and better, but all the conditions were present for the conflicts and disappointments you had with others to have occurred. There was no sense in angering yourself years ago regarding what others did or failed to do. As time slips away, it makes no sense to maintain that unhealthy anger. Accept that people did not have to treat you better than they did, that some have mistreated you in significant ways, and accept any apology they now offer you. If they fail to apologize, hold no demand that they do. Their fallibility will block some from apologizing. It will not serve you well to anger yourself over apologies that are not forthcoming. Show others unconditional other acceptance. Leave life with a heart full of love, not one of hate, bitterness, hurt, or anger. You will be more comfortable in this emotional state and an excellent model to those you leave behind.
Here are a few healthy attitudes to use to accomplish the admirable, self-serving goal of unconditional other-acceptance:
1. I wish others had treated me better, but sadly, they did not have to. I wish some had not significantly mistreated me, but sadly, they did. Angering myself then and now will not help me or them. The universe does not compel family, friends, and others to treat me well. We are all fallible, screwed-up humans, and the conditions were right for what happened to happen. I will commit to accepting them with their transgressions towards me.
2. It was unfortunate that I did not have a better relationship with certain people, but this did not have to occur. Humans do what we do and sometimes have difficulty tolerating each other. Change what you can, which is what feelings you hold towards others. I will choose to accept other people, warts and all.
3. What happened between us was sad, but we both can live with it. I can withstand the memory and move on now without acrimony. Life is short and getting shorter. It is worth it for me to let go of my unhealthy anger and demands. It is best to accept and love those I have had conflicts with over the years.
Death will Kill You, But It Does Not Have to Defeat You.
Whether you have a fatal diagnosis or not, get ready now for your death. It is coming and has been on your path since the day you were born. Thinking about death will help you live better now and savor whatever time remains. Choose to feel grateful for the good that has occurred and strive to enjoy life to the fullest till the absolute end. REBT is a philosophy of flexibility, tolerance, and acceptance. You have to die when you do, and you do not have to disturb yourself about this. Do what you can to maintain your health, restore your health, and slow the process of dying if you can or wish to do so. Hold firm to the leverage philosophical acceptance will give you as death approaches. Keep smiling, laughing, and enjoying life and your loved ones until you take your final breath. Remember the spirit of REBT’s message. Death will come for you and kill you, but it need not defeat you emotionally. Do not let death rob you of the emotional well-being that is yours for the choosing.
Postscript: I dedicate this piece to the patients whom I have worked with and who have faced death while using REBT. It has been a meaningful experience teaching them REBT and helping them face this ultimate challenge with unconditional acceptance for themselves, others, and life.