In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), shame is viewed as a self-defeating negative emotion. The perspective we take is that people feel shame (and its associated lighter emotion of embarrassment) when one of three conditions is inferred by the individual feeling shameful:
- The person believes something shameful or socially undesirable has been revealed about themselves or their family. This revelation may result from one’s own or a family member’s actions.
- The person believes they or their family member has behaved in a way that falls short of an ideal standard they strive to live up to.
- The person believes that others are looking down on them or their family member, or will shun them or their family, because of a shameful revelation.
In REBT, we show that shame is an optional and unhealthy negative emotion. It is an inhibiting negative emotion. REBT shows people how to live shamelessly and the advantages of doing so. The theory of REBT holds that the unhealthy feeling of shame does not directly result from others’ judgments or from falling short of an ideal, but rather from one’s self-defeating, rigid, and extreme attitudes toward these possibilities. With shame, there is self-devaluation. In REBT, we point out that people have an emotional choice and can feel appropriately disappointed by the revelation or by having fallen short of their standards, or concerned about the future implications of the revelation or of their own poor behavior.
Furthermore, they need not devalue themselves for having fallen short. Continuing to accept themselves is self-helping. The resulting healthy negative emotions acknowledge the negative state of affairs without the self-defeating social withdrawal that unhealthy shame triggers. When a person knows how to feel healthy, negative emotions such as disappointment or concern over their own shortcomings and errors, or those of their family, these healthy and appropriate negative emotions put them in a better position to learn from and do better in the future, and to appropriately address the social consequences of the negative revelation.
The ABCs of Shame
I will now use REBT’s ABC model (A=Adversity, B=Basic Attitudes, C=Consequences) of emotion for each of the three inferences specified above:
Adversity 1 = The person believes something considered “shameful” about themselves or a group they are strongly associated with, such as their family, has been revealed. This revelation may occur due to one’s own actions or others’ actions.
Basic Attitudes (Unhealthy) = Examples of rigid and extreme attitudes leading to shame:
Shameful revelations about my family or me must not occur.
When significant others know of this shameful revelation about my family or me, it is awful.
I must not lose the approval of significant others due to the shameful revelations about my family or me.
When we lose the approval of significant others due to shameful revelations, it proves we are less worthwhile as people.
I cannot bear to face significant others after this shameful revelation about my family or me.
Consequences of the Unhealthy Basic Attitudes = Shame with a desire to withdraw or hide from others in a self-defeating way.
Adversity 2 = The person believes they or a family member has behaved in a way that falls short of an ideal standard.
Basic Attitudes (Unhealthy) = Examples of rigid and extreme attitudes leading to shame:
My family and I must meet the ideal standards I set for us.
When we fall short of our ideal standards, it proves that we are worthless.
We must maintain others’ approval by meeting ideal standards. When we lose this approval after falling short of these standards, it proves we are less worthwhile as people.
It is awful that we have fallen short of my ideal standards, and others have witnessed this poor behavior.
I cannot bear to face significant others after having one of us fall short of my ideal standards.
Consequences of the Unhealthy Basic Attitudes = Shame with a desire to withdraw or hide from others.
Adversity 3 = The person believes that others are looking down on them or will shun them, or their family, because of a shameful revelation.
Basic Attitudes (Unhealthy) = Examples of rigid and extreme attitudes leading to shame:
My family and I must be regarded favorably by significant others and included by them.
It is awful if significant others look down on my family or me and shun us.
I cannot bear significant others looking down on my family and me and shunning us.
When significant others look down on my family and me and shun us, it proves we are lesser as people.
Consequences of the Unhealthy Basic Attitudes = Shame with a desire to withdraw or hide from others.
Freeing Yourself From Shame and Feeling Disappointment or Concern
In REBT, we encourage people to examine the self-defeating attitudes that underlie their self-defeating emotions and behaviors, helping them overcome shame and transform it into healthy disappointment or concern. The goal of this examination is to reveal to themselves that their rigid and extreme attitudes yield poor results, are false, and illogical. Furthermore, through this analysis of your thinking, you develop alternative attitudes that foster healthy negative emotions and constructive behavior to address the consequences of your misbehavior or shortcomings.
The questions that reveal that your rigid and extreme attitudes yield poor results:
What are the consequences of believing that you or your family must…?
Would you teach your child that they cannot bear facing difficult circumstances and hide in shame if doing so were beneficial to face others after having fallen short?
How might you cope with having fallen short better if you rate it as very bad but not awful or the end of the world?
Will thinking you or your family are less worthwhile for acting badly help you reach your goals?
The questions that will reveal that your rigid and extreme attitudes are false:
Is it true that you or your family must…?
What evidence is there that you or your family cannot bear…?
Is the adversity you or your family are facing very bad or awful, terrible, or the end of the world?
Just because you or your family acted badly, does that support the idea that you are a bad person?
The questions that will reveal that your rigid and extreme attitudes are illogical:
Is it logical to conclude that just because you or your family want to [do something], that therefore you or your family must do it?
Does it logically follow that because something is aversive, it is therefore unbearable?
Is it logical to conclude this circumstance is awful rather than very bad, when in fact, still worse circumstances could occur?
Does it logically follow that because you or your family acted badly, the whole of you or your family is bad through and through?
Creating Healthy, Flexible, and Non-Extreme Attitudes After Examination of Rigid and Extreme Attitudes
REBT aims to help you develop healthy attitudes that lead to self-helping negative emotions and self-helping behavior as you go through life and face adversity and the errors of your ways. These healthy attitudes would lead to disappointment and concern in the face of the three inferences we have been discussing.
I will now use REBT’s ABC model (A=Adversity, B=Basic Attitudes, C=Consequences) of emotion for each of the three inferences specified above, but demonstrate the flexible and non-extreme attitudes that would lead to a healthy negative emotion as an alternative to shame:
Adversity 1 = The person believes something considered “shameful” about themselves or a group they are strongly associated with, such as their family, has been revealed. This revelation may arise from one’s own actions or from others’ actions.
Basic Attitudes (Healthy) = Examples of flexible and non-extreme attitudes leading to disappointment or concern:
I wish shameful revelations about my family or me had not occurred, but unfortunately, they have. They need not remain hidden from others. I will do what I can to minimize any social consequences.
When significant others know of this shameful revelation about my family or me, it is bad because of possible social consequences, but not awful. I will do what I can to minimize any social repercussions.
I do not want to lose the approval of significant others due to the shameful revelations about my family or me, but sadly, this may occur. I will address the practical consequences of this loss of approval to minimize them.
When I lose the approval of significant others due to shameful revelations about my family or me, it proves we are fallible humans, not worthless people. I will choose to unconditionally accept myself and my family, warts and all. I will be in a healthy emotional state to address the practical consequences of this loss of approval.
It will be uncomfortable to face significant others after this shameful revelation about my family or me, but it will not be unbearable. I will bear facing significant others because doing so has value for my life. I can stand facing them and commit to doing so.
Consequences of the Healthy Basic Attitudes = Disappointment or concern with a willingness to healthily address negative social consequences with unconditional self-acceptance
Adversity 2 = The person believes they or their family have behaved in a way that falls short of an ideal standard.
Basic Attitudes (Healthy) = Examples of flexible and non-extreme attitudes leading to disappointment or concern:
I want my family and me to meet the standards I set for us, but we do not (absolutely) have to.
When we fall short of our ideal standards, it proves we are fallible humans, not worthless people.
I will accept myself and my family for our shortcomings and strive to meet those ideal standards in the future.
Although there are advantages to maintaining others’ approval by meeting ideal standards, my family and I do not have to do so. When we lose this approval after falling short of these standards, it proves we are fallible humans, not lesser or worthless people. I will choose to accept myself and my family unconditionally and do what I can to regain others’ approval, to regain the practical consequences of that approval.
It is bad, not awful, that we have fallen short of ideal standards, and others have witnessed this poor behavior. Good can come from bad, although that may not be apparent to me at this time.
It is uncomfortable to face significant others after having fallen short of our ideal standards, but it is not unbearable. I will do this because facing them has value to me. I can stand to do this and commit to face them with unconditional self-acceptance.
Consequences of the Healthy Basic Attitudes = Disappointment or concern with a willingness to healthily address negative social consequences with unconditional self-acceptance
Adversity 3 = The person believes that others are looking down on them or will shun them, or their family, because of a shameful revelation.
Basic Attitudes (Healthy) = Examples of flexible and non-extreme attitudes leading to disappointment or concern:
I would like my family and me to be well thought of and included by significant others, but we do not have to be. When others do not think well of us, I will do what I can to regain respect from others when it serves our practical interests. We can choose to accept ourselves unconditionally, whether or not we regain our previous social standing.
It is bad, not awful, if significant others look down on my family or me and shun us.
It will be hard to bear, but not unbearable, if significant others look down on my family or me and shun us. When it is worthwhile, I will seek to restore how others regard us.
When significant others look down on my family or me and shun us, it proves we are fallible humans, not worthless humans. We will choose to accept ourselves despite our shortcomings and attempt to overcome them when it is worthwhile.
Consequences of the Healthy Basic Attitudes = Disappointment or concern with a willingness to healthily address negative social consequences with unconditional self-acceptance
Summary and Conclusion
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) holds that people unwittingly make emotional choices when faced with certain undesirable circumstances. Shame and its lesser emotion, embarrassment, occur when we infer that our family or we have fallen short of an ideal standard and that significant others are aware of this. As a result, a person or their family may be shunned by significant others. When this occurs, the healthy thing to do is to unconditionally accept oneself and one’s family, while acknowledging having fallen short in some way. By choosing not to devalue oneself or a family member, the individual will feel a healthy disappointment at the shortcoming and a healthy concern for the social ramifications of the error. Rather than going into hiding due to shame, one can learn from the experience, hopefully not make the same mistake again, and do what they can to address any social consequences of falling short and having it publicly known. This shameless approach to living will facilitate personal growth, social rehabilitation, where possible, and continued pleasure in life. Fallible humans will fall short of their standards. Demanding that this not occur will lead to anxiety, socially inhibiting perfectionism, and a reduction in life satisfaction. REBT rests on a philosophy of unconditional self-acceptance, in which one can learn from errors while simultaneously taking calculated risks and living shamelessly.