Persistence is an essential ingredient of achievement. Intelligence and creativity are necessary ingredients as well. Still, without the ability to persist in the face of frustration, you will not develop your potential or achieve challenging goals, which are the ones that bring the most satisfaction. Persistence can help compensate for a degree of insufficient talent in a particular endeavor, as we learn from past failures when we persist with a goal. Grit matters in life, and I have found that to be true in my own life. I was not the most talented student in some of the classes I took in college and graduate school. Still, my ability to stay with the material, study for hours regularly, and ultimately excel in the most challenging subjects enabled me to perform reasonably well even in areas where I was not exceptionally gifted.
A dissertation sponsor and REBT mentor, Dr. Ray DiGiuseppe, used to say, “You never address a problem that (absolutely) should not exist.” I would add that “you will either deny the existence of a problem that (absolutely) should not exist or tend to devalue yourself for having a problem that you (absolutely) should not have.” Therefore, the first step in addressing your tendency to quit when faced with frustration or discomfort is to accept yourself (unconditionally) with your self-defeating low frustration tolerance and low discomfort tolerance. However, unconditional self-acceptance will enable you to acknowledge your problem, accurately assess the costs of low frustration tolerance and low discomfort tolerance, and failing to achieve worthwhile goals, and to see clearly that you are choosing to quit rather than persist when the going gets frustrating and uncomfortable. With unconditional self-acceptance, you can appropriately feel concerned that your tendency to quit will diminish the satisfaction, meaning, and material benefits of persisting with worthwhile goals. Remember, concern is a self-helping, motivating emotion.
Let’s examine the ABC analysis of self-downing secondary to your low frustration tolerance and low discomfort tolerance:
Primary Problem: Low frustration tolerance and low discomfort tolerance (or insufficient levels of each)
(A) Adversity (Situational A): I am doing something meaningful to me, but I am finding that I am making slow progress and coming up against frustrating obstacles. I begin to feel uncomfortable, inner tension.
Critical inference: This is frustrating. I will quit. It’s not worth it (a rationalization to justify quitting on the goal)
(B) Basic Attitude: My meaningful goals must be easily, quickly, and comfortably achieved. I cannot bear to persevere with my long-term goals when the going gets rough, and I get uncomfortable, even when these goals are very worthwhile and meaningful.
(C) Consequences: I feel inner tension, anxiety, or depression and quit.
Secondary Problem: My tendency to quit when things become frustrating and uncomfortable hinders my access to pleasure, meaning, and other material benefits. I recognize that challenging goals require time and effort, and I am well aware that my lack of perseverance hinders my development of potential. I devalue myself for quitting when the going gets rough.
(A) Adversity: A pattern of quitting when the going gets rough.
Critical inference: I am well aware that my quitting is a personal problem that has hindered me in many areas of my life. I won’t develop my potential if I keep quitting, even though I’m intelligent and creative. I will miss out on many benefits of achieving challenging goals.
(B) Basic Attitude: I (absolutely) should not quit when the going gets rough. I have the potential to do better, but I stop when I get frustrated and uncomfortable. I am a failure for doing this.
(C) Consequences: Shame, Depression, Self-directed Anger
Examination of Basic Attitudes and Disputing these Attitudes
Self-Therapy Question: Is quitting when frustrated evidence that you are a failure as a person? Answer: No. It is evidence that I am a fallible human who sometimes or often quits when the going gets rough. I do not have to define myself as a failure because I possess a self-defeating part of myself. I remain multifaceted and can address the aspect of myself that impedes the achievement of challenging goals.
Self-Therapy Question: Would you teach a child to hold this attitude towards themselves? Answer: No. I would not teach a child to hold this attitude. I would show them a healthier attitude because my self-defeating attitude leads to low achievement. I would show them that they could choose to unconditionally accept themselves with their self-defeating part that leads them to quit when the going gets rough. Defining oneself as a failure will lead to shame and depression, and not even attempting to do challenging things. Unconditionally accepting themselves would help them acknowledge their self-defeating trait and take steps to address it, so that, in the long run, they are more likely to achieve their goals and dreams.
Healthy New Attitude Leading to Self-Acceptance Despite Acknowledging that One Tends to Quit
Self-Therapy Question: What attitude would I teach a child, and what evidence supports it? Answer: Quitting is a self-defeating behavioral tendency, a part of you that will work against you in achieving your challenging personal goals. You will likely only attempt easily achievable goals, which, in the end, will be less pleasurable. It would be better if you did not quit and cultivated healthier attitudes that allow you to bear discomfort and frustration when pursuing meaningful goals. However, start by accepting yourself, despite your full acknowledgement and responsibility for your tendency to quit. It will not help you to devalue yourself, as that will perpetuate the cycle of quitting. Instead, remind yourself that you are a fallible human, that your tendency to quit is a negative trait, but that it is only part of you, not the whole of you. Do not define yourself as a quitter; acknowledge that you tend to quit and work on this self-defeating tendency. Stick with the present facts. Quitting today does not always mean you will quit in the future if you use REBT.
Healthy New Attitude Leading to Higher Levels of Frustration Tolerance and Discomfort Tolerance for Persisting
Self-Therapy Question: What attitude will produce better results when the going gets rough? Answer: I am well-practiced at quitting, but that does not mean this is my destiny. I will practice tolerating frustration and discomfort. Frustration and discomfort are uncomfortable and undesirabe states, but NOT unbearable. I can bear both the frustrating circumstances that block me and the discomfort I feel. Bearing frustration and discomfort is worth doing, and I am worth doing this for. I commit to staying the course when the going gets rough, and in the end, the satisfaction of achieving challenging, worthwhile goals will make the blood, sweat, and tears well worthwhile. Overcoming my self-defeating tendency to quit will take work and practice, but I can cultivate new traits. I will work on the REBT attitudes and strategies, and in the end, I will prevail in changing my self-defeating trait of quitting when the going gets rough.
Your Invitation to Our Masterclass on Self-Development
Note: Dr. Windy Dryden and I will be doing a six-hour Masterclass open to all on Saturday, January 17, titled Getting the Most Out of Yourself-Dealing with Obstacles to Self-Development.
Dr. Dryden is the most disciplined person I know. I have also cultivated self-discipline to pursue personal goals. I encourage you to attend this Masterclass.
Go here for the full agenda and to click on the required links to register: https://rebtdoctor.com/