In my work as an REBT psychologist, I often help people attempt to live a satisfying and meaningful life despite having a severe medical illness and disability. I frequently say to my patients that lawyers try to get you off the “hook,” and medical doctors try to “cure” you. When they both fail, they send you to me to help you “live well” with what is unchangeable.
Medical Illness Means Great Inconvenience and Deprivation
People with medical illnesses face great inconveniences and deprivations. They face all the same problems the rest of us face with their moods and losses, other people, money, jobs, their children, etc., with the added burden of having discomfort, numerous medical appointments, side effects of medications, lost opportunities and deprivations, limitations and frustrations, prejudice, etc. Life is arduous and unfair to those with serious medical problems. When people cannot work due to a serious medical illness, boredom and a low standard of living can also be significant problems.
Albert Ellis had numerous medical illnesses as a child and faced frequent and prolonged hospitalizations. He talks about his medical diseases and other personal problems in a great book titled Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: It Works for Me – It Can Work for You. Whether you suffer from medical illness or not, you can profit from reading this book as you learn about how Ellis applied the power of acceptance to his numerous medical and other life problems and made the most of his life despite these chronic health problems.
Sensible Ideas from REBT That Will Help You with Your Burdens
A few concepts from REBT that are particularly relevant to coping with medical illness include unconditional self and life acceptance, attitudes of bearability, and vitally absorbing life interests.
People with medical illnesses have to protect themselves from depression, self-pity, anger, and unhealthy envy. These emotions easily occur in those burdened by serious medical illness. It is exceptionally unfair that some of us enjoy good health while others, of no fault of their own, have all the problems that follow from being seriously medically ill. These people have to resist the urge to demand that life be fair, which is not easy. They also have to accept themselves unconditionally, as medical illness will interfere with what a person can accomplish, do for themselves, how they look, and how well they feel day to day. Devaluing yourself for looking differently or for having to use equipment the rest of us do not have to use will make it harder for you to do what you need to do to function. Devaluing yourself for having to depend on others to help you with very personal daily living tasks only makes life more challenging to get through.
The medically ill have to bear hassles, deprivations, losses, and pain that those who enjoy good health do not face. Those with serious illnesses have to have a very high tolerance for these things and apply this tolerance day in and day out. I have heard patients lament that they are “So tired of having to wake up and face another day of planning for and coping with their medical problems and limitations.” These patients have to learn to think that all the adjustments and things they have to do to get through another day are difficult, unfair, inconvenient, but not unbearable, and worthwhile because their lives remain worth enjoying. Disciplining one’s mind when one is under the influence of poor sleep, the effects of medication, or pain is not easy. What is easier to do is to lapse into depression, self-pity, anger, and unhealthy envy. If you notice this happening, acknowledge that you are an imperfect human and do not down yourself up for your human tendency to feel sorry for yourself, depress yourself, or get angry with yourself or with life. Acknowledge your unhealthy envy of those with good health and do not appreciate their good fortune. Acknowledge these emotions and your rigid thinking that gives rise to them. Here is a sample of the kinds of rigid and extreme attitudes that will lead to emotional disturbance about your unfortunate state of affairs:
I absolutely should not have these daily burdens.
Life absolutely should not be so unfair to me. I don’t deserve this.
I cannot bear the frustrations, deprivations, and problems that result from my serious medical illness and disability.
It is the end of the world that I cannot do what other people take for granted.
My life is totally bad.
Gently but persistently encourage yourself to accept your daily burdens, frustrations, deprivations, and the problems that result from your serious medical illness and disability. Acknowledge that life is terribly unfair and you have a right to feel sorry, regretful, sad, disappointed, concerned, healthy envy, and healthy anger. Challenge yourself not to dwell on these healthy negative emotions. Do what is very hard for humans to do and see that, although you have it bad, your problems are not worthy of end-of-the-world evaluations. Achieve a more balanced and functional attitude by acknowledging how things could be worse for you and how end-of-the-world thinking makes it harder for you to face your difficulties. Strive to see that, even though your life has many very challenging aspects, it is not totally bad. Discipline yourself to focus on what you can change and always accept what is unchangeable. With this orientation to your predicament, you will achieve more and suffer less.
Avoid Becoming Your Own Worst Enemy
Try to avoid becoming your own worst enemy by upsetting yourself, then upsetting yourself for upsetting yourself, as this double level of emotional disturbance will only lead you down an emotional path of chronic misery. Ill or healthy, you remain a fallible human, and humans are biologically predisposed to make themselves miserable about minor problems and tremendous adversity. Don’t allow this to be an excuse for undisciplined, self-indulgent attitudes that will compound your practical problems with secondary emotional problems. Accept yourself with your tendency to disturb yourself and then take aim at the rigid and extreme attitudes that underpin your unhealthy, self-defeating emotional responses.
Find Your Vitally Absorbing Interests
One of the most important things you need to do is to have what we call in REBT a vitally absorbing interest. Vitally absorbing interests are engagements with life that give pleasure, satisfaction, a sense of mastery, and personal meaning. Whether it be building a business, having a family, political activism, or gaining new knowledge, hobbies, sports, or relationships, vitally absorbing interests make our lives worth living and distract us from our self-defeating emotions. It is harder to engage in many activities that are open to others if you are disabled and medically ill. This fact has to be acknowledged and addressed head-on. People with illnesses may not be able to become expert downhill skiers because of their limitations. Again, the REBT concept of acceptance applies. Although you will face a restriction on the activities you can try compared to others in good health, it does not mean you must relinquish your hope of engagement in life. You have to have an open mind, a high tolerance for frustration, and experiment with what you can do given your physical and financial limitations. Resilient attitudes will play a significant role in identifying what you can still do to make your life a meaningful experience. To find your vitally absorbing engagements, you will need to endure the discomfort of experimenting with a wide range of activities until you discover what turns you on and gives your life meaning. This kind of experimentation is not easy, but it is possible if you refuse to succumb to the assumption that your life has to be boring or that you cannot succeed, achieve, and enjoy life to some extent. It is essential to look for role models who have had serious medical illnesses and disability but who have achieved a great deal and enjoyed life despite their medical misfortune and disability. Read biographies of people like Helen Keller, Stephen Hawking, and Charles Krauthammer, to name just a few of the many people who went on to lead meaningful lives despite serious medical illness and disability. Below are quotes that may help you change your philosophy towards your life, illness, and yourself.
Helen Keller
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it”.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
Stephen Hawking
“Although I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer, in my mind I am free.”
“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.”
Charles Krauthammer
“Better to be paralyzed from the neck down than the neck up”.
“The catastrophe that awaits everyone from a single false move, wrong turn, fatal encounter — every life has such a moment. What distinguishes us is whether and how we ever come back.