Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) encourages people to adopt realistic attitudes to have healthy emotional and behavioral reactions to life’s difficulties, deprivations, disappointments, losses, and injustices. In REBT, rational attitudes are best thought of as flexible, non-extreme, realistic, and adaptive attitudes. In REBT, we also teach that there are no utopias, no superhumans, no perfect solutions, and no certainty. Instead, we find ourselves in a world where there are only tradeoffs, fallible humans, imperfect solutions, and probability.
At first, it may seem that REBT proposes a dark view of life. Nothing could be further from the case. REBT encourages humor and joy by helping people to come to terms with reality as it is, not as they think it “absolutely must be.”
In my view, life is hard, uncertain, and unfair, and we can and preferably should accept this premise. When we give up the idealistic and immature attitude that life must be easy, predictable, and fair, we empower ourselves to experience motivating, healthy negative emotions that fuel our effort to creatively try to get what we want, desire, crave, and prefer. Healthy negative emotions include, but are not limited to, concern, disappointment, sadness, and annoyance. When we don’t get what we want, we will be disappointed and sad, sometimes very much so. These feelings are a form of feedback that our strong desires are presently unfulfilled. Concern will result when we appreciate that we may fail to get our wishes fulfilled in the future or may suffer a loss in the future, no matter how hard we work. Life is hard, unfair, and unpredictable.
Going from a Preference to a Demand
One crucial insight Albert Ellis, the originator of REBT, taught was that the mind tends to jump from “I want what I want very badly” to the illogical conclusion, “therefore I (absolutely) must get it.” In REBT, we challenge this way of thinking and show that it leads to anxiety or despair. We show people that they had better keep their wishes, as this is where their motivation lies, but give up the attachment of an insistence that they get their wishes filled.
Some people think that the world should be fair and that they deserve to get what they want. They will give you many reasons they believe they are entitled to get what they so badly want. I can hear Ellis saying to our group clients, “Good luck with that one.” It is best to accept that the world is unfair and then play the cards fate deals you with the mindset that you do not have to get what you want, but are entitled to make your best attempt to pursue it until the day you die.
REBT is Hard to Practice
Is it easy to think as I am proposing? No, it is rather challenging and even more difficult when we are thinking about something we strongly want. Remember what Ellis stated as an insight, which is that the stronger your desire for something, the easier it will be for your mind to skip to “I must succeed at getting what I want.” I see REBT as a discipline, a disciple of the mind. We show you how to think healthily, and then you need to adopt this new stance towards life through practice, teaching other people, and revisiting the evidence in moments of quiet contemplation. Teach other people that the world does not have to be fair and easy, and that they can accept this and then work to have some happiness nonetheless. Teach people that they can come up with a new dream when their original dream is unfulfilled, or they can keep trying to get their original dream fulfilled until the day they die. Teach people to take responsibility for adopting a mature, flexible, adaptive attitude, such as:
“I want what I want. I believe it would be fair if life allowed me to have it, but sadly, life is not fair. Life does not have to be fair, and I do not have to get what I want. I do not have to make myself miserable about this and figure out the best way to proceed towards either my original dream or come up with a new one. The choice is mine to make. One choice I have is to make myself miserable or to have some happiness despite the challenges and inherent unfairness of life.”
However, always bear in mind that it is best to model this attitude of making the most of life rather than merely teaching it to others. Walk your talk.
Summary of Key Points
- Life is hard, unpredictable, and inherently unfair. All people have unfulfilled desires. Some people face more unfairness than others, which is a sad fact of life. This disparity is just the way it is, and it is best to play the hand dealt to you well rather than lament your bad luck. You will do much better in life this way.
- Empower yourself by holding realistic attitudes towards life. It does not have to be easy, predictable, nor fair, and neither you nor I has to get what we want, no matter how much we may deserve it.
- Exercise your power of choice. Discipline your mind through practice. Choose to be sad, disappointed, or concerned over despair, depression, self-pity, and anxiety.
- If one of your dreams is hard to achieve, decide to keep working at it till the day you die or pursue some other dream. When one door closes, another opens if you try the other doorknob.
- Remember that you can choose not to be miserable if you discipline your mind. Yes, as Albert taught, “You can stubbornly refuse to be miserable about anything, yes anything!”