Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy places a great emphasis on teaching people how to accept what they cannot change. In REBT, we teach you to question your rigid attitudes that may exist in your head but have no basis in nature. For example, people with significant medical illness may say that they must not have the tremendous medical hardships they contend with day to day. A person pursuing love and approval from others may wrongly believe they must obtain this love and acceptance. REBT encourages people to change their attitude and recognize that these rigid attitudes and demands exist only in one’s mind, not in nature. Whether a person contends a favorable condition (absolutely) must exist or an unfavorable condition (absolutely) must not exist, both will lead to emotional suffering because they are false to the facts of nature. Experience and observation show that the conditions of our lives are often not as we want them to be, and in fact, conditions do not (absolutely) have to be as we want them to be. Sadly, the universe is not listening to our pleas for mercy.
Acceptance as The Antidote and a Choice
The antidote to the human condition of deprivation and facing adversity is to accept reality as it is. In REBT, we define acceptance in the following way:
- To accept something is to acknowledge that an adversity exists.
- A realization that, unfortunately, all the conditions are in place for the adversity to exist.
- An evaluation that the adversity is bad, but not awful (meaning that the end of the world has not arrived and worse conditions could exist), and that you can bear and withstand these aversive conditions; and
- A determination to change the adversity if it can be changed, or committing to find an alternate road to happiness when the one you most want is not open.[1]
In my work as a psychologist, I primarily help people learn to cope with challenging circumstances, including deprivations, injustices, threats, losses, rejections, and failures. Throughout the day, I emphasize how people can choose to accept what they cannot change. I will argue against their demands that life be fair, people be nice, etc. Ultimately, many people achieve acceptance by choice. They come to see that they can willingly choose to accept what they cannot change.
Your Homework from This Message
Think about how you would be better off if you choose to accept something in your life that you cannot change. Experiment with the idea that you can get to acceptance by choice.
[1] Dryden, W., & Matweychuk, W. J. (2022). The REBT Client Companion (2nd ed.). Rationality Publications.